Sunday, March 7, 2010

Run for life

Two campers were aroused one night by the sounds of a huge bear tearing up their campsite. Realizing that the bear would soon make its way to their tent, they started planning their strategy. One of the campers started putting on shoes.
His buddy said "Hey, even with shoes on you ll never outrun that bear".
He replied "I don t *have* to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun *you*".

knowing the facts

If marriages are made in heaven , then what are made in Hell?
Ans : the days after marriage


During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.


Just close ur eyes and think of urself for 10 seconds..... .
Open ur eyes !
Now you will realize that u have wasted 10 sec in thinking of a fool........ ....


January to december
sunday to saturday
Am to Pm
My feelings for u have never changed..... ..
u....
R....
always....
a HEADACHE to me !!!!


When u feel lonely and alone & cannot see any one around you,
the world seems to be fading away,
come along with me
i'll take u to an eye specialist !!



I wrote ur name on the sand ............ .
it got washed away,
I wrote ur name on air......... ......... ........
it got blown away,
So i wrote ur name in my heart....... ......

i got a HEART ATTACK


The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The wife decided to make a wish,too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works!"


LOVE is like a CIGAR
It starts with a fire..... continues with smoke.....and ends in ashes...
But dont worry - we are chain smokers


ur smile can be compared to a flower
ur voice can be compared to a cuckoo
ur innocence to a child
but in stupidity
u have no comparison
u r the best


True love is like a pillow
u can hug when u r in trouble
u can cry on when u r in pain & u can embrace when u r happy
so when u need true love
spend Rs.50/- Buy a pillow



Dear Friend,

when i ask u a flower,
u give me a bouquet
when i ask u a stone
u give me a statue
when i ask u a feather
u give me a peacock

ARE U REALLY DEAF ?



I had VODKA with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had WHISKY with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I had RUM with WATER
I felt DRUNK
I SWEAR I'LL NEVER DRINK water....!!!


when i call u;
1 ring means i'm thinking of u;
2 rings means i like u;
3 rings means i miss u;
4 rings means .........pick d phone idiot


Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ...
Student : WOW !


The human brain is the most outstanding thing.......
it functions 24hrs 365 days.....
it functions right from the time u r Born....until you fall in love


SMILE - is a language of love
SMILE - is a source to win hearts...
SMILE - creates greatness in ur personality
SO....
Brush ur Teeth today onwards


A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..


History Teacher : From where to where did the mughals rule ?
Student : sir, i am not sure but I think from page 15 to 26 sir....


Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age hitler commited suicide

HOW TO GET A LIFE

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones.

Difficulty Level: Hard
Time Required: Years

Here's How:


Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible).

Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name.

Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
~ Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
~ He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
~ The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
~ So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
~ No one knows, it's never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
~ They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
~ A widow.

When does a woman care for a man's company?
~ When he owns it.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
~ Put the remote control between his toes.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
~ They're married.

99 Facts about Guyz(Very True)

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. they prefer neat and presentable girls.
2. Guys hate flirts.
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them. .......dont think so
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking! but do not generalise
13. Guys cry!!!
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands......yeh rite - watever.
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow". ......so true.
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
24. Guys hate gays!
25. Guys love their moms.
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
28. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
31. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
32. Guys are very open about themselves.
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.......very true.
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts. ........sumtimes.
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.
43. Guys virtually brag about anything.
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.
45. Guys think too much.
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does!......very true.
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.
53. When an unlikable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power.
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed P**** with their girlfriends.....sumtimes depends wen they want sumat.
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"......sumtimes.
59. Guys don't really have final decisions.
60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him....very important.
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.
64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and football, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups.
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake. ....they love u regardless.
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!......true but only wen the guys are ready 2be settled down.
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your n*ked eyes.
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection.
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.
74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.
79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them, they'll realize they're wrong.
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.
83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed by you or he's criticizing you.
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.
88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.
90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.
94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.
96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
98. Guys hate girls who overreact. ......sumtimes.
99. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.

Facts of life

Boy: Dad, what's politics?
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management. Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son?
Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...
Son: Dad I understand politics now.
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of sh*t!

Marketing

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One
has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into
the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar
behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of
David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a
Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People
aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. He's going to get all the donations."

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe,
look who's' trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."

Marketing Lessons more

Marketing strategies explained more!!

1. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her,
pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and
then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you
"Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations… "

2. You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says:"You are very rich!
"Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition. .."

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you
a nice hard slap on your face. - "That's Customer Feedback…"

4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - "That's demand and supply gap…"

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say anything, another person come
and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she
goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share…"

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your
wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets…"

life lessons

1. A FOOLish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells
her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.


2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption :
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD
After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

3. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.

4. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their
friends.

Corporate lessons

CORPORATE LESSON #1:

_______________________________

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, The wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, The next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 Just to Drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands n*ked in front of Bob.

Bob has a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Share critical credit information with your Stakeholders to Prevent Avoidable exposure!

************************************************
_______________________________

CORPORATE LESSON # 2

_______________________________

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she gladly accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The Nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the mind is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the Church, the Priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find Glory."

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job; or, you might Miss great Opportunities!

************************************************
_______________________________

CORPORATE LESSON # 3

_______________________________

There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie bottle. When they Rubbed the Bottle, a genie appears.

Thankful that the 4 guys had Released him Out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 Swimming pools,

I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and Jump, you shout What you want the pool of water to become, then your wish will come true."

The French wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE". The pool immediately changed into a Pool of wine.

The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking from the pool.

Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented with his beer pool.

The last is the American. He was running towards the Pool when Suddenly he steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards The pool
And shouted, "CRAP !!!!!!!........."

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Mind your language, you never Know what it will land you in.

************************************************

_______________________________

CORPORATE LESSON # 4

_______________________________

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO standing in front of a paper shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing Work?"

"Certainly, Sir" said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine."I just need one copy."

_______________________________

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Never, ever assume that your BOSS knows everything.

Baby's Delivery according to Corporate World

1) Project Manager is a person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2) Developer is a person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; They'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

And lastly...

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Jokes on pagal

  • Aik Pagal doosrey pagal se : agar main yeh torch jalaoo'n to kya tum roshni ke saharey aasmaan par charh jao gey?
Doosra pagal: nahi , main itna bewaqoof nahi , mujhey pata hai jab main thora sa ooper jaoo'n ga to tum torch band kar do gey aur main neecher gir paroo'n ga 
  • aik pagal minar-e-pakistan kay oper chala jata hai keh kood kar khud-kushi kar lay ga.sab usay mana kar rahay hotay hain aur woh sun nahi raha hota.itnay mai aik aur pagal aata hai aur pochta hai keh kya howa.log usay batatay hain keh woh shaks oper sai nechay chalang laganay ka keh raha hai.sab usay rok rahay hain lekin woh sunta hee nahi.itna sun kar dosra pagal kehta hai thehrain main isay rokta hoon.aur usay kehta hai neechay utar aao warna main minar ko kainchee sai kaat doon ga.yeh sun-na tha keh pehla pagal bhaag kar neechay utar aaya.
    logon nay hairat sai pocha keh hamari baat nahi maani aur aik pagal ki baat maan lee.to pehla pagal bola keh woh to pagal tha kya pata waqae kainchee sai minar ko kaat deta.  
  • A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

    The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

    The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

    Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"
  • ak PaGal shaks hmesha yhi khta rhta hay
    "Ghulail (Ketti) bnaonga Chirya (Birds) maron ga"
    "Ghulail (Ketti) bnaonga Chirya (Birds) maron ga"
    usky ghr waly us sy bht pareshan hoty hain
    or uska ilaj krwaty hain
    ilaj k bad doctor khty hain ye ab bilkul theek hay
    phr pagal sy pochty hain
    ab btao tm kia krogy
    Pagal khta hay
    "ab main bilkul theek hogya hon
    ab main aik Murghi kharedonga
    phr Choozy nikalonga
    phr poltri farm kholonga
    jb bht saari Murghian hojaingi
    tu unko baich kr bakriaan(Goats) khareedonga
    jb bakriaan bht zyada hojaingi tu unhain baich kr Gaay(Cow) khredonga
    phr jb bht saari gaay hojaingi tu mera pora aik Bara hoga
    main bht ameer hojaonga
    Phr main shaadi kronga
    phr mera aik beta hoga
    Bety ki phly Saalgirah pr main usko aik naiker la kr donga
    wo naiker pehny ga....... pehny ga........... pehny ga
    Jb naiker Phut jayga
    us may sy lastick nikalonga
    "Ghulail bnaonga Chirya maron ga"
  • 1 pagal aadmi chaand ko bahut der tak dekhta hai, aur thodi der mein kehta hai -- Jalte raho kab tak jaloge, jab bijli ka bill aayega kab pata chalega.
  • 1 pagal American se:
    Tum japanese ho na?
    Amr:Nahi, mein american hon
    Pg:Nahi tum japnese ho!
    A:nahi me american hon
    P:Nahi tum japnese ho
    A:han han me japnese hon
    P: Lagte to american ho:p:D