Jokes on pakistanis

• During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers.
  
  He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !" Then Banta would shoot him down.
  
  This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them.
  
  So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc.
  
  Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you."
  
  Banta shoots him down!
•  

Jokes on sindhis

• A Sindhi cyclist knocks down a Sindhi lady.
  
  Lady: Mua, Peetal aahin cha?
  
  cyclist: Na Amma, ma sital ahyan, ganga jo put.
• Sindhi and sardar 
  Mr.Thadani, a middle-aged Sindhi, is on a plane for Hongkong, in a window seat.
  
  Just before take-off, this HUGE Sardar wearing a beautiful suit walks up and sits down beside him.
  
  A few minutes later, the plane takes off.
  All is well For a while.
  
  But then, Mr.Thadani realizes that he has to go to the washroom.
  
  That wouldn't be a problem,but he looks over and notices that the Sardar beside him is sound asleep, and Mr.Thadani, being a meek man is afraid to disturb him.
  
  So he figures he'll hold it in till Sardarji wakes up.
  
  But as luck would have it, the Sardar just keeps snoring away, and Mr. Thadani is feeling increasingly more uncomfortable.
  
  After a while, he starts to feel nauseous as well, what from holding it in combined with the plane ride.
  
  He tries and tries to hold it in, but then "AAARRGGHH!!"--he throws up all over the Sardar and his beautiful suit.
  
  He thinks, "Oh, no! Now he's gonna kill me!" and sits there in apprehension waiting for the Sardar to wake up.
  
  Finally, the Sardar wakes up, and finds all this vomit all over him. Mr. Thadani says to him, "Well, do you fell better now?"
• Viagra
  A Sindhi walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 1,000 Rupees.
  
  "No, not worth it Sai!"
  
  "OK, how about 500 Rupees?"
  
  "No, not worth it Sai!"
  
  "OK, 200?"
  
  "No, not worth it!"
  
  "How about 100?"
  
  "No, not worth it!"
  
  "Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"
  
  "Ade baba, the pills are worth it, it's my wife is not worth it."
• Sindhi: Yeh banana kaisay diya?
  Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
  Sindhi: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
  S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
  Sindhi:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de
• Sindhi on his death time.
  My wife, where r u ?
  Wife:Yes, I’m here
  My sons daughters ru all here?
  Yes, Papa
  Sindhi:To phir bahar wale kamre
  ka pankha Q chal raha hay ??? :D:D:D
• Sindhi 14th floor se neche gira
  Girte waqt usne
  apni ghar ki khirki me
  apni wife ko roti pakate hue dekha
  to chilla k bola
  MERI ROTI NAHI PAKANA!
• Sindhi ne sheikh ko khoon dey k uski jaan bachai.
  Sheikh ne usay MERCEDEZ gift kardi.
  Sheikh ko phir khoon ki zarorut pari,
  Sindhi ne phir khoon dia.
  Ab k bar Sheikh ne till waly laddu gift kiye,
  Sindhi:Ghusse se, mercedez kion nahi di?
  Sheikh:Munna…!! Ab hamarey ander bhi sindhi ka khoon dor raha hay:)
• Sindhi called a newspaper office and asked: Mera Chacha Mar gaya hai, kya
  charges hongay?
  NewsPaper: Rs.50 per word.
  Sindhi: Oh bohat ziyada hain, Acha likho "Chacha Guzar Gaye".
  Newspaper: Sir! It should be minimum 6 words!
  Sindhi: Oh ho! Jara sochnay do..... Acha likho....... ......... .
  Chacha Guzar Gaye - Maruti for Sale ..
• Sindhi ask to Taxi Driver: CP wale gurudware jayega kya?
  Taxi Driver: Han jaon ga.
  Sindhi ne jaib se lunchbox nikala or kaha:
  Wapsi main langar ka khana lete aana.
• Sindhi ko bhoot charh gaya ,
  3 din baad bhoot khud ek ojha k paas gaya aur bola,
  Ojha sahab mujhe bahar Nikalo..! Warna me to bhookha hi mar jaon ga
• Titanic K Sath Sindhi Bhi Doob Raha Tha
  Aur Hans Bhi Raha Tha
  Dost: Oye Hans Kyun Raha Hai?
  Sindhi: Shukar Hai Main Ne Return Ticket Nahi Khareeda
• Train mein 1 sindhi aur 1chinese baithe the. Ek machar aaya ... chinese ne pakda aur kha gaya...Doosra machar aaya...sindhi ne pakada aur chinese ke taraf dekh kar bola --- "KHARIDEGA KYA??"
• Why does a Sindhi wish for rain?
  .
  ..
  ...
  ....
  .....
  .....
  ......
  .......
  Because he gets a free car wash.
   
• Auto driver to Sindhi passenger : ”Sir, auto ke brakes fail ho gaye hain Kya karoon.?”
  Sindhi passenger : ”Bhenya Charya, pehle meter band kar”
   
• A Sindhi, Mr. Keswani, unmarried with no money, no home and a blind mother
  prayed to God daily over a period of several months.
  
  Finally, God responds to Mr. Keswani saying that God is happy withMr. Keswani's
  prayers and that God will grant Mr. Keswani one, only one wish.
  
  Mr. Keswani then wished, 'Dear God, I wish that my mother will see my wife putting
  gold and diamond bangles on my child's hands in our new mansion.'
  
  God muttered, 'Damn; Ive made these sindhis too intelligent.'
   
• Do u knwo glass tutya to kya awaz at hai ?
  Dhuz!!!!
  NO
  Dhooz!!!!
  NO
  Thish!!!!!
  NO
  
  
  Nahi Yaar
  Mummy ki awaz ati hai "Lakh lannat thai wari cha bhaghai?
  Elderly Sindhi gentle man in Ulasnagar calls his son in Hong Kong and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 40 years of misery is enough!"
  
  "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
  
  "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in London and tell her!
  
  "Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on phone. "Likeheck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Ulasnagar immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow . Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
  
  The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Diwali this year and also paying their own airfare!!"
  
  no wonder sindhis are considered smart......this sindhi joke also shows the sindhi smartness
  
  
  
• A humble sindhi bride
  A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband’s home in a traditional manner.
  As expected, she gave a little speech: "My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said    "Firstly, With my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences - my being here does not mean that I would want to change your way of life, your routine."
  "What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.
  What I mean dad is: Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them. Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.   Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account. Those who used to clean should clean. As for me, I am here just to entertain your son!  
• Full form of sindhi Asi SINDHI mana (means)
  S - Sida Sada (Simple and Sober)
  I - Insaniyat ware (humane)
  N - Nek Dil ( Kind Hearted)
  D - Dharmi (People who do they work honetsly and sincerly)
  H - Hushar (Smart)
  I - Imandar (Non-Corrupt)
  Ayo Laal Sabhayi Chao Jhulelal!!!!!!!!!
  
  
• Different sindhis
  A Sindhi lawyer?:
  Case-wani
  
  A Sindhi lawyer after a case?:
  Purse-wani
  
  A blue-skier Sindhi?:
  Akash-wani
  
  What is a communist Sindhi called?
  Lalwani.
  
  What is a Sindhi who falls from the first floor called?
  Thadani.
  
  What is a Sindhi who falls from the 17th. floor called?
  Kriplani.
  
  What is a Sindhi who falls from the 30th. floor called?
  Marjani.
  
  What is the most noteworthy contribution of the Sindhis' to Hindustani Music?
  Raga Kirvani.
  
  A god fearing Sindhi?
  Bhagwandas Godwani
  
  A Sindhi painter?
  Sadarangani
  
  A Sindhi chef?
  Papadmull Kukreja
  
  A Sindhi electrician?
  Voltram Bijlani
  
  A fashionable Sindhi?
  Jogio Armani
  
  A Sindhi milkman?
  Gopal Dudeja
  
  A heroic Sindhi soldier?
  Hiroo Sipahimalani
  
  A Sindhi pest control contractor?
  Khatmull Marwani
  
  A Sindhi stripper working in New York?
  Barbra Jhangiani
  
  A Sindhi casanova?
  Prem Kissinchandani
  
  A Sindhi fire-engine?
  Bhambhani
  
  A Sindhi detergent?
  Neelam Rindani
  
  A Sindhi postman?
  Mailwani
  
  A forgetful Sindhi?
  Bulo Bhulchandani
  
  A fashionable Sindhi?
  Primlani
  
  A fat Sindhi?
  Hathiramani
  
  A Sindhi fly?
  Makhija
  
  A downtrodden Sindhi?
  Nichani
  
  A corrupt Sindhi?
  Chaipani
  
  Why are a Sindhis nostrils big?
  Because the air is free. 
• Materialism
  
  
  Check out this Sindhi Joke..im sure u will find it funny!
  
  
  A Sindhi, after parking his car, opens the door and a car comes by and tears the door off.
  He looks at his friend sitting next to him and exclaims, "My Mercedes! ... My mercedes!
  ... My mercedes!"  
  His friend looks at him and says, "You Sindhi's are all alike. All you're worried about is material things. You never even  noticed that your arm is gone!"  
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  To which the Sindhi cries,
  "My Rollex! ... My Rollex! ... My Rollex!!"
   
  
  

Lip stick

What happens to the Lipstick used by the ladies.


5% of the Lipstick is sticked to the cutlery.

25% of the lipstick goes to Tissue Paper & Cotton Tabs at the time of removeing the Make Up.

15% of the Lipstick goes in Drain at the Time of Washing Face & Lips.

10% is Dumpped in the Garbage as Unused.

5% of the Lipstick is found in the Womens Stomach Due to Newer Flavours & Essences.


And the remaing 40% of the Lipstick I Gaurantee you that you will find it in Man's Stomach

Jokes on husband-wife 3

• Eight-year-old Anita brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
  
  "Anita is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
  
  Anita's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
  
  "Please let me know if your idea works on Anita because I would like to try it out on her mother."

• Tumhe Kaisi biwi chahiye (Hindi)

  Baap bete se "tumhe kesi biwi chahiye" ?
  Beta : mujhe chand jesi biwi chahiye
  jo raat ko aaye aur subha chali jaaye

   

Jokes on brahmin

Q:"How do they take the census in Kannauj (Lot of Brahmins?) ?"
A:"They roll a ruppee down the street."

Q: How many Brahmins does it take to change a light bulb ? Has not yet been determined.
A: They are still searching for a Vedic reference to light bulb.

Man says: Did you hear about the New Brahmin sports car?
Woman says: no.
Man: It stops on a coin and picks it up to !!

Q: "What do Brahmins do when they are cold ?"
A: "They sit around a candle!!"
Q: "What do they do when they are really cold ??"
A: "They light it!!"

Q: "How do you recognize a Brahmins house ?"
A: "There is toilet paper hanging on the clothes-line."

Q: What is a Brahmin's idea of open-mindedness ?
A: Dating a Tambram [ Tamil Brahmin Girl ].

Sher o shayari

Tinku gifted a card to his Dad on his birthday with a sher:

Phool to bahut hai par gulab jaisa koi nahin,

Papa to bahut hai par aap jaisa koi nahi.

South indian NRI

Just a Joke

A family in Southern India was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from USA.

It was sent by one of the daughters. The dead body was tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top, which read as follows:

Dear brothers and sisters,

I am sending our mother's body to you, since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Andhra.

Sorry, I could not come along, as all of my paid leaves are consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Amma's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of chocolates and 5 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you.
On Amma's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons.
Hope the sizes are correct. Amma is wearing 6 American T-Shirts.

The large size is for Mohan and the others fo! rmy nephews. Just distribute them among yourselves. The 2 new jeans that Amma is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Rema wanted is on Amma's left wrist. Shanta Aunty, Amma is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them.
The 6 white cotto socks that Amma is wearing must be divided among.

Please distribute all these uniformly and if anything more is required, let me know, since our Appa is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all the required things with Appa!

Thought on men

• Thought 1
  
  
  
  When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
  When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
  When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
  What do women want to be liberated from?
  *******
• Thought 2
  
  
  
  The average man's life consists of :
  Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
  Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
  And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
  *******
• Thought 3
  
  
  Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom.
  
  
  
  They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.
  
  
  
  Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
  
  
  
  The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.
  
  
  
  So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."
  
  
  
  Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."
  
  
  
  The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... But not the poor groom!

New technology watch

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was.

The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication, " the Gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases.

The gentleman stops, smiles and replies,
..
..
..
..

..
..

..
..

..
..

..
..

..
..

..
..

..
..


"No, they are yours now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch."

Doctors

• मरीज - डॉक्टर साहब, मुझे एक अजीब सी बीमारी हो गई है। जब मेरी बीबी बोलती है तो मुझे कुछ सुनाई नहीं देता है।
  
  डॉक्टर - ये बीमारी नहीं खुदा की नेमत है ......
• नए-नए डॉक्टर ने अपने जीवन का पहला ऑपरेशन किया। ऑपरेशन के थोड़ी देर बाद ही मरीज मर गया ।
  डॉक्टर ने दीवार पर टंगी भगवान की तस्वीर की ओर हाथ जोड़कर सिर झुकाते हुए पूरी श्रध्दा से कहा - हे प्रभु, मेरी ओर से यह पहली भेंट स्वीकार कीजिए ......
• 90 वर्षीय एक सज्जन की दस करोड़ की लाटरी लग गई। इतनी बड़ी खबर सुनकर कहीं दादाजी खुशी से मर न जाएं, यह सोचकर उनके घरवालों ने उन्हें तुरंत जानकारी नहीं दी। सबने तय किया कि पहले एक डॉक्टर को बुलवाया जाए फिर उसकी मौजूदगी में उन्हें यह समाचार दिया जाए ताकि दिल का दौरा पड़ने की हालत में वह स्थिति को संभाल सके।
  शहर के जानेमाने दिल के डॉक्टर से संपर्क किया गया । डॉक्टर साहब ने घरवालों को आश्वस्त किया - आप लोग चिंता मत करें । दादाजी को यह समाचार मैं खुद दूंगा । उन्हें कुछ नहीं होगा, मेरी गारंटी है।
  डॉक्टर साहब दादाजी के पास गए । कुछ देर इधर - उधर की बातें कीं फिर बोले - दादाजी, मैं आपको एक शुभ समाचार देना चाहता हूं। आपके नाम दस करोड़ की लाटरी निकली हैं।
  दादाजी बोले - अच्छा ! लेकिन मैं इस उमर में इतने पैसों का क्या करूंगा । पर अब तूने यह खबर सुनाई है तो जा, आधी रकम मैंने तुझे दी।
  डॉक्टर साहब धम् से जमीन पर गिरे और उनके प्राण पखेरू उड़ गए...
• मरीज : डॉक्टर साहब, क्या कोई ऐसी दवाई नहीं बनी है कि मैं मर भी जाऊं तो बाद में जीवित हो जाऊं ?
  डॉक्टर : दवाई तो नहीं बनी है, पर आप एकता कपूर से कान्टेक्ट कर सकते हैं ।
• डॉक्टर - क्या आप जानते हैं कि शराब एक धीमा जहर है ? यह आपको धीरे धीरे एक दिन मार डालेगी।
  मरीज - ठीक है, मुझे भी मरने की कोई जल्दी नहीं है।
• फ़ोन की घंटी बज़ी और डॉक्टर साहब जल्दी से तैयार होकर जाने लगे .
  उनकी पुत्री ने अपने पिताजी को इतनी जल्दबाज़ी में जाते देखा तो पूछा पिताजी इतनी जल्दी मे कहाँ जा रहे हैं .
  डॉक्टर साहब बोले -- " अभी-अभी रीगल होटल रूम न.302 से फ़ोन आया था की जल्दी से आ जाओ नही तो मेरी जान निकल जाएगी" .
  डॉक्टर साहब की पुत्री ने शर्माते हुए कहा -- " ओह नो पापा , वो फ़ोन तो मेरे लिए था " . 
• एक 80 वर्षीय वृध्द डॉक्टर के पास चेकअप कराने के लिये गये। डॉक्टर ने उनकी पूरी जांच की और कहा - ''शारीरिक दृष्टि से सब ठीकठाक है! लेकिन आपकी मानसिक हालत कैसी है यह देखना पड़ेगा।''
  ''भजन-पूजन में ध्यान लगाते हो ? भगवान के साथ आपका संबंध कैसा है, बताइये ?''
  वृध्द सज्जन बोले - ''भगवान ? भगवान तो सदा मेरे साथ ही रहते हैं! उनकी मेरे ऊपर बड़ी कृपा है। यहां तक कि हर रात को जब मैं पेशाब करने के लिये जाता हूं तो वे बाथरूम की लाइट जला देते हैं और जैसे ही मैं वापस आता हूं बन्द कर देते र्हैं। सचमुच भगवान मेरे ऊपर बड़े दयालु हैं।''
  यह सुनकर डॉक्टर को चक्कर आ गया। उसने वृध्द की पत्नी को बुलाया और उसे सबकुछ बताया जो कुछ वृध्द सज्जन ने कहा और पूछा - ''ये क्या मामला है ?''
  पत्नी ने सिर पकड़कर कहा - ''अब क्या बताऊं डॉक्टर साहब! बुढ़ऊ रोज रेफ्रिजरेटर में पेशाब कर देते हैं।'' 
• एक आदमी मनोचिकित्सक के पास गया । बोला -''डॉक्टर साहब मैं बहुत परेशान हूं। जब भी मैं बिस्तर पर लेटता हूं, मुझे लगता है कि बिस्तर के नीचे कोई है। जब मैं बिस्तर के नीचे देखने जाता हूं तो लगता है कि बिस्तर के ऊपर कोई है। नीचे, ऊपर, नीचे, ऊपर यही करता रहता हूं। सो नहीं पाता । कृपा कर मेरा इलाज कीजिये नहीं तो मैं पागल हो जाऊंगा।''
  डॉक्टर ने कहा - ''तुम्हारा इलाज लगभग दो साल तक चलेगा। तुम्हें सप्ताह में तीन बार आना पड़ेगा। अगर तुमने मेरा इलाज मेरे बताये अनुसार लिया तो तुम बिलकुल ठीक हो जाओगे।''
  मरीज - ''पर डॉक्टर साहब, आपकी फीस कितनी होगी ?''
  डॉक्टर - ''सौ रूपये प्रति मुलाकात''
  गरीब आदमी था। फिर आने को कहकर चला गया।
  लगभग छ: महीने बाद वही आदमी डॉक्टर को सड़क पर घूमते हुये मिला ।
  ''क्यों भाई, तुम फिर अपना इलाज कराने क्यों नहीं आये ?'' मनोचिकित्सक ने पूछा।
  ''सौ रूपये प्रति मुलाकात में इलाज करवाऊं ? मेरे पड़ोसी ने मेरा इलाज सिर्फ बीस रूपये में कर दिया'' आदमी ने जवाब दिया।
  ''अच्छा! वो कैसे ?''
  ''दरअसल वह एक बढ़ई है। उसने मेरे पलंग के चारों पाए सिर्फ पांच रूपये प्रति पाए के हिसाब से काट दिये।''
• एक महिला अपने कुत्ते को लेकर जानवरों के डॉक्टर के पास पहुंची और बोली - ''मेरे कुत्ते को कुछ हो गया है डॉक्टर । यह उठ नहीं रहा है .... । कुछ कीजिये। ''
  डॉक्टर ने कुत्ते को टेबल पर लिटाया और उसकी जांच करने बाद बोला - ''आपका कुत्ता मर चुका है। उसकी नब्ज बन्द हो चुकी है।''
  महिला कुत्ते को कुछ ज्यादा ही प्यार करती थी। वह इस बात को सहज स्वीकार नहीं कर सकी। बोली - ''नहीं, नहीं डॉक्टर साहब, ये कैसे मर सकता है ? आप किसी और तरीके से जांच कीजिये प्लीज।''
  डॉक्टर दूसरे कमरे में गया और एक बिल्ली के साथ वापस आया। बिल्ली टेबल पर कूद कर चढ़ गई और उसने कुत्ते को सूंघना शुरू किया। सिर से पैर तक कुत्ते को सूंघने के बाद बिल्ली कूदकर वापस दूसरे कमरे में भाग गई।
  ''अब ये पक्का है कि तुम्हारा कुत्ता मर चुका है।'' डॉक्टर ने महिला से कहा।
  महिला ने अंतत: मान लिया कि कुत्ता मर गया है। बोली - ''शायद आप सही कह रहे हैं। बताइये आपकी फीस कितनी हुई। ''
  ''550 रूपये'' - डॉक्टर ने जवाब दिया।
  महिला को झटका लगा। ''इतना ज्यादा क्यों ? आखिर आपने किया ही क्या है ?''
  ''देखिये,'' डॉक्टर ने उसे समझाते हुये कहा '' 50 रूपये मेरी फीस है और बाकी 500 रूपये कैट स्कैन के हैं।''

Jokes on advocate client

• NO APPEAL
  Overheard while sitting in court.
  One advocate to the other, after a girl had passed them: 'She has a supreme court figure.'
  The other: 'What do you mean?'
  First one: 'No appeal.'
• A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up.What should I do?" "Do you have any proof?", asked the lawyer. "Nope," replied the man. "Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you," said the lawyer. "But it's only $500!" replied the man. "Precisely, that's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need," said the lawyer.
• परसों रात तुम कहां थी, वकील ने युवती से पूछा।
  युवतीः अपने पडोसी के साथ रेस्तरों में खाना खाने गई थी। और कल रात? वकील ने दूसरा सवाल पूछा।
  युवतीः एक दूसरे पडोसी के साथ।
  और आज का तुम्हारा क्या कार्यक्रम है? वकील ने धीरे से पूछा। ’ऑब्जेक्शन मी लॉर्ड‘ दूसरा वकील चिल्लाया, यह सवाल मैंने पहले ही कर लिया है।

Teacher student jokes 2

• Teacher: 'Why are you late to class?'

Ramesh and Suresh: 'We helped an old lady cross the road,'
Teacher: 'But did it take you so long?'
Ramesh and Suresh: 'The point is she didn't want to cross the road.'

• HISTORY LESSON

Teacher: 'When was Rome built?'
Sanjay: 'At night, sir.'
Teacher: 'Who told you that?'
Sanjay: 'You did, sir. You once said that Rome was not built in a day.'

• Teacher to Ramu: Ramu Kal School kyo nahi aaye
  
  Ramu to Teacher: Sir Kal Gir gaya tha or lag gayi thi
  
  Teacher asked: Kanah gir gaye the or kaha lag gayi
  
  Ramu said: Khat Pe gira or Annkh Lag gayi
• टीचरः बच्चो, आयकर, बिक्रीकर, भूकिकर से मिलता-जुलता कोई और शब्द बताओ?‘
  छात्रः सर, एक नहीं, तीन शब्द सुनें- सुनील गावस्कर, सचिन तेंदुलकर, दिलीप वेंगसरकर।
•  Bubble in the bath tub                                                                                                      
  A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students.
  
  As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby.
  
  She said, " Let's start with the boys first."
  
  Boys start giving their intro...
  
  First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
  
  Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
  
  Well, Ok. In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
  
  Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
  
  Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next. "
  
  This continues...
  
  and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub. "
  
  Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long.
  
  Anyway, now the girls please. "
  
  First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."
  
  Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."
  
  Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."
  
  Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl;
  
  Yes you... "
  
  Most beautiful girl of the class:
  
  "Madam, my name is 'Bubble', and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."
  
  Teacher Fainted!!!
• Teacher: Ramu, why r u late to scholl today?
  Ramu: My mom and dad were fighting at home.
  Teacher: how does that made u to come late, stupid!
  Ramu: they were fighting with my school shoes Mam, Mom had one shoe and dad had other shoe of mine.

Teacher student jokes

• TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
  PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
  TEACHER : What are you talking about?
  PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O !
• Teacher: WHAT HAPPEN TO GOLD IF EXPOSED IN AIR?
  RAMESH: IT IS STOLEN,SIR
• TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America.
  PAPPU : Here it is!
  
  TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
  CLASS : PAPPU!
• TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"?
  PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
  
  TEACHER : No, that's wrong
  PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
• TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I".
  PAPPU : I is...
  
  TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am."
  PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
• TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
  
  PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
• PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
  FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
  PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
  
• TEACHER: If I buy an item@ 12.75 n sell@15.25, it's loss or profit?                                           PAPPU: Profit in rupees & loss in paise
• Teacher: "what's the further away, America or the Moon?"
  Student: "America!"
  Teacher: "America? Whatever gave you that idea?"
  Student: "Simple, We can always see the moon from the india, but not america!"
• TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots !
  PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home. 
• TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
  PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"  
• TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
  PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
• TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ?
  PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog ! 
• TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PAPPU: A teacher  
• Teacher: Where does God live?
  Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
  Teacher: Why do you say that?
  Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'bhaagwaan tum andar ho kya'  
•  Teacher: Teacher(asks student)-wats ur father names ?
  student(replys teacher) -his name is BUTTER RED
  Teacher: teacher(with a surprised face)-wat ?
  student(replys) -yes maam his name is MAKHAN LAL !!!!!
• Teacher:Who was Raja Ram Mohan Roy ?
  Student:They all four were great friends
• Teacher:"What is your name?".
  Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
  Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
  Student:"My name is Sunlight." 
• Teacher:how were the exams?
  Student:the questions were easy but the answeres were hard.
• Teacher:Ritu spell "Blind Bird"
  RITU:B,l,n,d B,r,d
  Teacher:Where are the two i's??
  RITU:Teacher a blind bird doesn't have eyes!
  Teacher:????????? 
• Once a techer said to the children:When I will ask you a question give the answer very fast.
  Teacher:What is the capital of India?
  Child:Very fast
• Teacher:ONCE TEACHER ASKED A CHILD 'WHERE IS THE HIMALAYAS " STUDENT SAID"I DONT KNOW."
  Student:THEN TEACHER ORDERED HIM TO STAND ON THE CHAIR" THEN STUDENT TOLD THE TEACHER INNOCENTLY "I STILL CAN'T SEE IT."    
• Student: Can you tell me mam, why would a room go to a doctor?
  Teacher: You stupid! Anyway, what is the answer?
  Student: Very simple! Because it has always got window-pane!
• Sir:How can you tell a hawk has good eye sight?
  Raj:Because I have never seen a hawk wearing spectacles
• Teacher:What happened in 1869?
  Student:Gandhi ji was born.
  Teacher:What happened in 1873?
  Student:Gandhiji was four years old. 
• Teacher:Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
  Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
  Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
  Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet. 
• Teacher: Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
  Student : BROTHERLY LOVE
• A teacher to a Parent:
  Teacher:Ma'm your son has cheated in his examinations.
  Parent:You can prove that I am sure
  Teacher:Well put it this way the first answer of your child's partner was yes.
  Parent:So that proves nothing .
  Teacher:But for the second question your son's partner wrote "i dont know" and your son wrote "neither do I"
• Once a teacher with her students went to visit a zoo.
  When the teacher saw the lion she told her students that the lion belonged to the cat family.
  A watchman heard her and told her that the lion belonged to the zoo not the cat family.
• Teacher:Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
  Student:A holiday
• Teacher:Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
  Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
  Teacher:Why?
  Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

Some words in hindi with english meaning

makhan laal  ==  butter red
sunder lal chaddha = beautiful red underwear

Some stupid question answers 2

• A Senior Manager working in an MNC, as usual after lunch goes to the cafeteria for coffee.
  
  He relaxes in canteen. He sees a canteen boy cleaning tables there.
  
  To Kill time he decides to have fun with him.
  
  
  He calls him.
  
  
  Senior Manager - (Asks canteen boy) : How much do you earn?
  
  
  Canteen boy smiles...
  
  
  Senior Manager - what are your future plans?
  
  
  Canteen boy keeps quiet...
  
  
  Senior Manager - where do you see yourself 10 years down the line?
  
  
  Canteen boy gives a cold stare.
  
  
  Senior Manager - Jab mai Bangalore aaya tha tab mere paas bhi kuch nahi tha.... Aaj mere paas kya nahin hai...
  
  
  naam hai..........,
  
  
  shohrat hai.........,
  
  
  paisa hai............
  
  
  Izzat Hai.............,
  
  
  
  
  
  tumhare paas kya hai?
  
  
  Scroll down to find out his answer
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Don't think that he answered like Shashi Kapoor of Deewar ki "Mere
  
  
  paas Maa hain" or those stupid Pj - "Mere Paas Raaj Maa Hai Types"
  
  
  Just Scroll some more..............
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Canteen boy - Sa'ab mere paas bahut KAAM hai....
  
  
  Senior Manager leaves the cafeteria silently.......
• Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
  japan
   

Some funny newspaper classifieds

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help. (man….if only I knew A B C….)

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.
(sure…thanx for the warning!)

3. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. (check it out)

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. (howwww sweeeet)

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)

6. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)

7. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. (nice work!)

Short jokes 2

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in, she said: Check books.

The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of new car.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked, i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish & worry about my LUNGS.

What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes.

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"

A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.

Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full minute and then expects your pulse to be normal

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends & neighbors?

A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!

Short jokes

Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Priya, 3 to Sonia and 2 to Neha then what will u get?

Kid: Three new girlfriends.




A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian. "Look in the lion's mouth," the vet told him. Scared he asked, "How do I do that?" "Carefully," replied the vet




The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Mr Jones: "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honour, under those limitations... nothing."





A woman goes to a police station.

Woman: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes.

He has not returned home yet.

Inspector: Why don't you cook something else then?






Two men visited a sports stadium.

First man: Why are all these people running?

Second man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

First man: If only the winner gets the cup, why are the other people running?





Anjali was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me." Her brother, busy with a computer game, said: "That's not true, Anjali. Some people don't even know you."





Diner: Could I have a glass of water?

Waiter: To drink?

Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things





Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home."






Rahul: My sister made a chocolate cake for my birthday.

Kunal: Wow! How was it?

Rahul: The candles melted in the oven.






Father: Son at your age, Winston Churchill used to be up and out for his morning walk at 5 am.

Son: Dad, at your age, he had become the Prime Minister of England.






Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage.

Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident






A man was going to a railway line to commit suicide. He was carrying a tiffin box with him.

Another man asked him why?

He replied: If the train gets late, will I remain hungry?

Some stupid question answers

• Question - Jiska dil toot gaya hai Uske pass general knowledge kyun nahi hoti hai ????
  
  
  
  
  ???
  
  
  
  
  
  Socho ??
  
  
  
  
  
  Kuch to bolo??
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Kyonki...
  
  
  
  
  
  Answer- Jab dil he toot gaya to ,GK, kya karenge!
• Ek baar pakistani team India mein friendship series ke liye aati hai
  
  Finally before returning to pakistan they are invited at a tea party with the Indian team. Everyone in the pakistani team and the indian team come together and the party begins. Every body is enjoying their cup of tea .....
  Question
  Now pakistani opener Shahid Afridi wants some biscuits.. So instead of asking to the waiter he asks Inzamam for buiscuits why????(no inzy is not sitting next to the biscuit plate.) ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??got something ???
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  
  
  dimag ladhao yaar
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  
  ??
  ANS : Because they were Priyagold Biscuits. Priya gold Biscuits
  
  .......Hak(Haq) se maango............... 
•  what is the cube of 13?                                                                                                                     Its : SUROOR wandaring how? thats bcoz.... TERA * TERA * TERA = SUROOR 
• ek aadmi k 6 fingers thi,use log hanuman bulate the...batao kyon?                                                        kyonki uska naam hanuman tha.. 
• who was the 1st Indian woman fly abroad? ..........sita with ravan                                                      
• wht did the kangaroo say when she found her baby missing? .Aaila!!!!! kisne mera pocket maar liya  
• wht do u call a really colourful tamilian??? Ans: Rangamannar rangrajan 
• An elephant falls in luv wid n ant.but Ant's parents r against their marrige guess y??                          they gave a solid reason **Ladke k data bahar hai**  
• ones sardarji saw a very soni kudi in the market & thought.. kash k ye meri maa hondi to main v inna sona honda.. 
• Full form of MATHS???? Mentally Affected Teacher Harassing Students 
• what wud u call a girl who never laughs?? Ans: hasina

Sardarji 1

There were three mans one was black one was white and one was sardar.... they went to resturent with there wifes...the black guy said to his wife honey pass me the honey....white said sweety pass me the sweets...and sardar said to his wife cow pass me the milk.

An english man said to sardar"Pass the wine you divine". Sardar says"very poetic" and then says "Pass the custard you bastard"!!!


Wife: Main Maeke jaa rahi hoon, Talak ka notice bhej doongi. Husband: JA JA, Aevien mithian mithian gallan karke mainu khush karan di koshish na kar!!!!!!


Sardar ne toilet ke diwar par padha, "Likhne wala mahan aur padhne wala bevakuf".Sardar ko padh ke gussa aaya. Sardar ne likha, "Likhne wala bevakuf aur padhne wala mahan"

once the computer shows press any key to continue. sardar sitting in front of it,said to his sir that, sir.. i am not finding any key in my keyboard. so plz help me..

Jokes on premi-premika 3

• * TO IMPRESS A WOMAN *
  
  
  
  Compliment her,
  
  Respect her,
  
  Honor her,
  
  Cuddle her,
  
  Caress her,
  
  Love her,
  
  Comfort her,
  
  Protect her,
  
  Hold her,
  
  Spend money on her,
  
  Wine and dine with her,
  
  Buy things for her,
  
  Listen to her,
  
  Care for her,
  
  Stand by her,
  
  Support her,
  
  Hold her,
  
  Go to the ends of the
  Earth for her.
  
  
  BUT
  
  
  * HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN *
  
  
  
  *JUST SMILE ONCE AND HE'S YOURS*

Nurses

• Simple operation                                                                                                                             A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his
  wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked,
  "What's the matter?"
  
  He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry,
  I'm sure it will be all right.'"
  
  "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
  
  "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" 
• why she undergo operation instead?                                                                                            A 45 -yr. old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
  
  Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
  
  God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
  
  Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
  to have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
  She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
  
  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
  
  After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
  While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
  
  Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
  "I thought you said I had another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
  Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
  
  You'll love this!!!!!
  
  God : "didn't recognize you at that time"                          
• Operation theatre                                                                                                                     There are three guys waiting outside the operation theatre.The first person is reading a book called 'Lord Jesus'. A nurse comes out and tells the first person 'Your wife has delivered a baby'.
  
  After sometime the nurse comes back and looks at the second person. The second person is reading a book called 'Lav Kush'. The nurse informs him that his wife has delivered two babies.
  
  After some more time the nurse comes back but before she can say anything the third person runs away from there leaving behind the book he was reading - titled 'Ali Baba Chaalis Chor'                                                                                                  

Indian soldiers with himmat

There were 3 seargants sailing on a ship - a German, an American and an Indian. They were having a talk on 'Himmat'.
The German seargant said(in hindi) - mere jawaanon main bahut himmat hai. He commands one of his man to jump in the sea and take 1 round. The man jumps takes 1 round and comes back. The Searge says - Dekhi inki himmat.
Now its American seargants turn. He says - Thats nothing, see this -He commands one of his men to jump in the sea and take 2 rounds and come back. The man does as he is said so. Searge says - DEKHA!!!
And now the Indian Seargant. He says - mere jawanoon main bahut himmat hai - He command one of his men to jump in the water and take 10 rounds. The man says - Apna Baap ka maal samajh rakha hai kya -Then the Searge says - Dekhiye inki himmat!!???

Indian mom

Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...

who lives with a girl roommate ........Sunita.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how prettyKumar's, roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye Reading his mom's thoughts,Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote

*Dear Mother, *

*I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, *

*I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar.*

*But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.*

* *

*Love, Kumar*

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :

*Dear Son,*

* *

*I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and *

*I'm not saying that you do not' sleep with Sunita.*

*But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would
have found the chutney jar by now*

* *

*Love,*

* Mom.*

Few Funny Facts about Indians

* There is a sale on any item, you buy 100 of them.
* You put your clothes in suitcases instead of wardrobes.
* You have a 'Singer Brother' sewing machine at home.
* Your mother has a minor disagreement with her (or your dad's) sister and doesn't talk to her for ten years.
* You call an older person you've never met before "uncle".
* You hide everything from your parents.
* Your mother does everything for you if you are male.
* You do all the housework and cooking if you are female.
* Your relatives alone could populate a small city.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* Everyone always called you for help on homework.
* You read law, medicine or engineering at university.
* You were thick (i.e. stupid) so you studied accounting or business instead.
* You know no one who has studied music.
* You went to a university as far away from home as possible.
* You still came back home to live with your parents after you had finished.
* Your best friend got married at the age of 16.
* You only make telephone calls after 6pm (discounts) or after 9 p.m.
* You like the meat well done.
* You eat onions with everything.
* You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.
* You fight over who pays the dinner bill.
* You say you hate Indian films(/songs) but secretly watch(/hear) them with your parents.
* You teach Westerners swearwords in your language.
* You order Indian food in your own language to impress the people you're with but the waiters don't understand you.
* You avoid public places when with a member of the opposite sex, especially if there is an acquaintance within a 250 miles radius.
* You always say "open the light" instead of "turn the light on".
* You secure your baggage with a rope.
* You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* You get very upset when airlines refuse to accept your luggage which is just 80 lbs. overweight.
* You go back to your parents' country and people treat you like a member of...the royal family.
* You ask your dad a simple question and he tells you story of how he had to walk miles barefoot just to get to school.
* Your Dad drives a GM.
* You're rich so he drives a Mercedes.

(For females)

* You're parents would freak out if you wore a crop top baring your midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptable
* Your brother had no curfew while you had to be home at 11pm
* You are ALWAYS taking off and putting on your shoes wherever you go to your American friends, oil is used purely for cooking and not as a grooming aid
* When your American friends cringe at the thought of their parents in bed, you wonder how odd it would be to see your parents get within one foot of...each other
* Your parents have nicknames but only because people they work with just stop when trying to read their names
* You have annoying nicknames like Chotu or Chicku,(lots more to add here)
* Your parents call all your friends "Beta" whether they are Indian or not Your parent are panicking if you aren't married and you turn 25
* Either you really like Indians of the opposite sex or you can't stand them
* Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamonds
* A horoscope must decide your wedding date
* Your parents drink 6 cups of tea a day
* You are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot"
* Your friends could not explain your religion to someone if they tried
* You could not explain your religion to someone if you tried
* In the smallest...of subcompact cars, you still can't see over the wheel without a phone ...book.
* WITH the phone book, you can't reach the pedals.
* You have cousins you have never met, whose names you don't know, but who insist they're related to you, even though they bear NO resemblance to...anyone YOU know.
* Your parents push the concept of an arranged marriage on you and try and demonstrate how well it works whenever they're not fighting.
* Your parents compare you to all of their friends' kids.
* You notice that whenever you go to another Indian's house, your parents always talk about work and business.
* The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.
* Every few months your parents say when they're moving back to India
* No one ever seems to call ahead of time to say they are coming over for a visit.

More funny facts
1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.

3. You try to eject food particles from between your teeth by pressing your tongue against them and making a peculiar noise like,tshick,tshick, tschick, tschick.

4. You are standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

5. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

6. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to mark up.

7. You recycle Wedding Gifts.

8. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam)

9. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.

10. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says "No Food Allowed"

11. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

12. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

13. You use plastic to cover anything new in your house whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

14. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other "Uncles and Aunties" will think.

15. You buy and display crockery, which is for special occasions, which never happen.

16. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

17. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

18. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

19. Your kitchen shelf is full of jam jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with some household items).

20. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

21. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

22. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

23. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old. (And they prefer it that way).

24. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

25. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

26. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are travelling by bus, train or plane.

27. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

28. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

29. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

30. You call an older person you never met before "uncle."

31. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

32. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

33. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

34. It's embarrassing if your wedding has less than 600 people.

35. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

36. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

Jokes on Indians 1

• Why only Indians are reborn?                                                                                                     The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said 'I have to talk to you. We have some Indians up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabana saris instead of their white robes, they are riding Mercedes and BMW's instead of the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discounted prices. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep c rouching down midway eating samosas and drinking chai (tea). Some of them are even walking around with just one wing!'

The Lord said, 'Indians are Indians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call.'

Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Damn, hold on a minute.' Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'

Gabriel replied, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there.'

Satan says, 'Hold on again. I need to check on something.'

After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and said, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'

Gabriel said, 'What kind of problems are you having down there?'

Satan says, 'Man I don't believe this .. Hold on.'

This time Satan was gone at least 15 minutes. He returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now.. These Indians are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire..fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! Since they are so tech savvy, they were trying to start a telephone connection between heaven and hell..I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!! Some were trying to start a chai - pakora shop, which I had to stop..I am requesting Lord to send them back on earth as soon as they arrive as re-birth".

Indians will be Indians..

So this is the story why Indians are re-born!!!

• One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this village???
  
  Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
• Manmohan Singh: We are sending Indians to the moon next year!
  
  Bush: Wow! How many?
  
  Manamohan: 25 OBC, 25 SC, 20 ST, 5 Handicapped, 5 Sports Persons, 5
  Terrorist Affected, 5 Kashmiri Migrants, 9 Politicians & if possible
  1 Astronnaut
• Reasons Why We Indians Cannot be Terrorists:
  
  1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
  
  2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
  
  3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there
  
  4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
  
  5. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
  
  6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
  
  7. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
  
  8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.
  
  9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day
  
  10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages. 
• Indian Contractor                                                                                                                        Three construction contractors died and went to heaven - a Pakistani, a Chinese, and an Indian. When they got there St. Peter welcomed them warmly and asked if they could do him a favor before they entered heaven.
  
  It seems that the Pearly gates were in need of some repair, and he wanted some estimates.
  
  The Pakistani contractor looked the job over carefully and estimated the job at $900. When asked how he came up with that figure, he said, "$300 materials, $300 labor, and $300 profit."
  
  St. Peter then asked theChines contractor for an estimate. After careful inspection he answered, "$3300 - $1100 materials, $1100 labor, and $1100 profit."
  
  When St. Peter ask the Indian for an estimate, he answered immediately without looking over the job at all - $2900.
  
  Asked how he came up with that figure he answered, "Simple, $1000 for you, $1000 for me, and $900 to get the Pakistanti contractor over there to do the work."

Love lust and marriage

• LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST -When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE -When you share everything you own.
LUST -When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.

LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST -When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE -When you write poems about your partner.
LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE -When all you write is checks.

LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST -When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have fun.
MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

• Love is holding hands in the street.
  Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
  
  Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
  Marriage is a take home packet.
  
  Love is cuddling on a sofa.
  Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.
  
  Love is talking about having children.
  Marriage is talking about getting away from children.
  
  Love is going to bed early.
  Marriage is going to sleep early.
  
  Love is a romantic drive.
  Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .
  
  Love is losing your appetite.
  Marriage is losing your figure.
  
  Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
  Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.
  
  Tv has no place in love.
  Marriage is a fight for remote control.
  
  Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
  Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".
  
  Conclusion:
  "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!!!"
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
  
  -A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
  
  -The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.
  
  -Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
  
  -How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done.
  
  -A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."
  
  -A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
  
  -A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
  
  -Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.
  
  -The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  
  -Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
  
  -Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
  
  -Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!
  
  -First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
  
  -Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.
  
  -Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  
  -Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
• To my regret I have to postpone my wedding with Vasily.
  
  - Why?
  
  - I marrying Peter now.
  
  --------------------------------
  
  A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce.
  He asks, Any grounds?
  Woman: yeah, about 2 acres.
  Lawyer: Do you have a grudge ?
  Woman: No, we have a carport.
  Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning ?
  Woman: No, I get up before him.
  Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ?
  Woman: No, my husband wants it... he claims he can't communicate with me!
  
  --------------------------------
  
  WIFE = Worries invited for ever
  
  -------------------------------
  
  A asked B ' What do u think of love marriage?'
  B replied ' Well, see. Love marriage is like a span of 24 hours.'
  A asked ' How and why do u say that?'
  B answered ' See, during the daytime u are fresh and during the night u want to take rest. Similarly, in love marriage, before marriage you want to make love and after marriage you want to love someone else!!!!!!!!!'
  
  -------------------------------
  
  Before marriage he thought ' How can I not love her.'
  After marriage he thought ' Ooooooooooooooh, why did I love her?!!!!!'
  
  -------------------------------
  
  A tells B ' My parents did love marriage. But no love after marriage.'
  B replies ' My parents did arranged marriage. No love before marriage, but love after marriage.'
  
  -------------------------------
  
  Man before marriage is a free dog roaming on the street and yelling bow bow.
  Man after marriage is a dog with a chain round the neck sitting and whining.

Old age

• Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
  
  "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
  
  John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
  
  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
  
  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
• There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.
  He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
  a number of years.
  
  Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center.
  These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
  went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up
  his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
  After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."
  
  The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
  their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
  or
  did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not
  
  recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that
  she had gone to visit her daughter.
  
  With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he
  explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then
  he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a
  little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would
  marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
  
  He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant
  it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you
  called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me." 
• A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
  
  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
  
  She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
  
  "These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."
  
  She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
  
  A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
  

Drunkards

• एक शराबी ने एक दिन कुछ ज्यादा ही पी ली। लडखड़ाते कदमों से किसी तरह घर के दरवाजे तक पहुंचा और जेब से चाभी निकालकर ताला खोलने की कोशिश करने लगा।
  नशा ज्यादा होने की वजह से वह चाभी को ताले में डाल ही नहीं पा रहा था। चाभी कभी इधर हो जाती कभी उधर । उसे परेशान होते देख पास ही खड़े एक व्यक्ति ने उसकी मदद करनी चाही ।
  पास आकर बोला - लाओ चाभी, ताला मैं खोल देता हूं।
  शराबी बोला - नहीं, नहीं, ताला तो मैं खोल लूंगा। तुम तो बस जरा दरवाजे को पकड़ के रखो।
   
• बंता - महिलाएं शराब से इतनी नफरत क्यों करती हैं ?
  
  प्रीतो - क्योंकि इसको पीने के बाद उनके चूहे जैसे पति शेरों जैसा बर्ताव करने लगते हैं ............... ।  
• एक शराबी की पीने की लत से तंग आकर उसकी पत्नी ने उसे तलाक दे दिया और बच्चों को लेकर मायके चली गई. बॉस ने भी नौकरी से निकाल दिया.
  हैरान-परेशान वह अपने घर में अकेला बैठा था कि तभी उसकी नज़र अलमारी में लगी शराब की बोतलों पर पड़ गई. गुस्से में वह उठा और एक खाली बोतल उठाकर दीवार में दे मारी - "कमबख्त, तेरी वजह से मेरी बीवी मुझे छोड़कर चली गई."
  फिर उसने दूसरी बोतल उठाई और उसे भी तोड़ दिया - "हरामजादी, तेरी वजह से मेरे बच्चे मुझसे दूर हो गए."
  तीसरी बोतल का भी यही हश्र किया और चिल्लाया - "तेरी वजह से मेरी नौकरी चली गई."
  जैसे ही उसने चौथी बोतल उठाई, तो वह भरी हुई थी, उसे संभालकर दूसरी अलमारी में रखते हुए बोला - "मेरे दोस्त, तुम ज़रा एक तरफ हो जाओ, मुझे मालूम है इस सब में तुम्हारा कोई हाथ नहीं है......." !!!
• एक आदमी को एक बढ़िया किस्म की शराब की बोतल उपहार स्वरूप मिली। वह उसे लेकर लपकता हुआ घर की ओर जा रहा था। बोतल मिलने की खुशी में वह इतना मगन था कि सड़क पर आती हुई मोटरकार से बचकर निकल न सका। लिथड़ गया। उठकर लंगड़ाता हुआ सड़क पार कर रहा था कि कुछ पतली गर्म चीज टांग पर से बहती हुई मालूम हुई।
  ''हे प्रभु'' वह दुआ करने लगा।
  ''यह खून हो।''
• मेजर - ''इतना ज्यादा क्यों पीते हो ? तुम्हें खबर है कि अगर तुम्हारा रिकार्ड अच्छा रहा होता तो अब तक तुम सूबेदार हो गये होते।''
  जवान - ''माफ कीजिये सर, मगर बात यह है कि जब दो घूंट मेरे अन्दर पहुंच जाते हैं तो मैं अपने आपको कर्नल समझने लगता हूं।''
    
• एक शराबी (दूसरे शराबी से) - यार, मरने के बाद हम स्वर्ग जाएंगे या नरक ?
  दूसरा - तुम्हें जहां अच्छा लगे चले जाना । पीने के बाद मुझसे तो कहीं आया - जाया नहीं जाता। 
•  एक उपदेशक ने मद्यनिषेध पर भाषण दिया। अन्त में पूछा - ''अच्छा मान लीजिये, मैं एक बालटी पानी और एक बालटी शराब मंगाकर यहां रख दूं और एक गधे को को बुलवाऊं  तो वह किस बालटी में मुंह डालेगा ?''
  श्रोता - ''पानी की बालटी में''
  उपदेशक - ''आखिर क्यों ?''
  श्रोता - ''वह गधा जो ठहरा !''
• एक शराबी और उसकी बीबी रात को सो रहे थे। आधी रात को अचानक पति की चीख सुनकर पत्नी की आंख खुल गई। उसने पति से पूछा - क्या बात है ?
  पति बोला - कुछ नहीं, मेरी कमीज नीचे गिर गई थी।
  खीझ कर पत्नी बोली - तो इतनी जोर से क्यों चीखे ?
  पति बोला - उस कमीज के अन्दर मैं भी था ।
   
  
• बंता शराबी एक बार में गया । वहां जाकर उसने बार में मौजूद सभी लोगों, जिनमें बार मालिक भी शामिल था, के लिए अपनी तरफ से एक-एक पैग व्हिस्की का ऑर्डर दिया।
  - आज सभी लोग मेरी तरफ से पियो । बंता ने झूमते हुए घोषणा की।
  आधे घण्टे बाद बंता ने फिर से सभी लोगों के लिए एक-एक पैग व्हिस्की का ऑर्डर दिया। बार मालिक को भी एक पैग और मिला।
  फिर तो हर आधे घण्टे बाद यही क्रम चलने लगा। पांचवें पैग के बाद बार मालिक को चिंता होने लगी। उसने बंता को एक तरफ बुलाकर कहा - भाईसाहब, आपका अभी तक का बिल तीन हजार चार सौ रुपये हो गया है ।
  - बिल ? कैसा बिल ? मेरे पास तो फूटी कौड़ी भी नहीं है। बंता ने जेबें उल्टी करके दिखाते हुए कहा।
  अब तो बार मालिक का पारा सातवें आसमान पर चढ़ गया। उसने लात घूंसों से बंता की जमकर पिटाई की और आखिर में बार के कर्मचारियों से कहकर बाहर गंदे नाले में फिंकवा दिया ।
  अगले दिन शाम को बार अभी खुला ही था कि बंता अंदर आया और बोला - एक पैग व्हिस्की मेरे लिए और एक-एक यहां मौजूद सभी लोगों के लिए मेरी तरफ से ...... ।
  फिर बार मालिक की तरफ उंगली करके बोला - सिर्फ तुमको छोड़कर .... । तुम चार पैग के बाद बहक जाते हो ...............
  
  

Saas bahu

• Husband Wife ja rhe the. Raste main Gadha (ass) Mila.
  
  Wife: Tumhare Ristedar hai, Namaste to karo.
  
  Funny Husband: Namaste SASURJI
  
  
  
• Saas: Bhagwan ne tumhe 2 aankhe di. Chawal me se 2-4 pathar nahi nikal sakti.
  
  
  Bahu: Bhagwan ne tumhe 32 daant diye 2-4 pathar nahi chaba sakti kya
• 
  
  
  
   

God 1

Pandit: Bhagwan, agar tum muje 100 rupe do, to 50 rupe main mandir me dunga.

Thodi dur ja k Pandit ko 50 rupye mil gaye. 

Funny Pandit: Wah Bhagwan, itna bhi bharosa nahi, apne paise pehle hi kat liye...

Wise old man

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

Jokes on husband-wife 2

• एक चोर ने सेध मारी लेकिन सामान लेकर भागते समय गली के कोने पर पुलिस द्वारा धर लिया गया।
  अगले दिन मकान का मालिक उससे मिलने थाने पहुंचा। थानेदार ने सोचा कि कहीं यह चोर के साथ मारपीट न कर दे इसलिए उसने उसे चोर से मिलने से रोका और बोला - आपको उससे जो भी बात करनी है वह अदालत में करिए, यहां नहीं ।
  अरे, नहीं, नहीं, मैं उस पर नाराज नहीं हूं। - मकान मालिक ने कहा। - मैं तो उससे सिर्फ यह जानना चाहता हूं कि वह आखिर घुसा किस तरह कि मेरी पत्नी को उसकी आहट तक नहीं हुई ? मैं तो कई सालों से कोशिश कर रहा हूं पर वह फौरन जाग जाती है।
• एक महाशय अपनी पत्नी को हमेशा यह कहकर चिढ़ाते थे - ''कहो तीन बच्चों की अम्मां !'' पत्नी को बहुत बुरा लगता था लेकिन एक दिन उसका भी दिमाग काम कर गया ।
  जैसे ही पति ने कहा - ''कहो तीन बच्चों की अम्मां !'' पत्नी ने तुरंत जवाब दिया - ''बोलो दो बच्चों के पापा !''
  
  
  
  • एक आदमी की कई सालों बाद पुराने मित्र से भेंट हुई । मित्र ने पूछा - ''कहो, दाम्पत्य जीवन सुखी तो है ?''
    
  ''सुखी तो नहीं कह सकता, पर मनोरंजक अवश्य है'' - आदमी ने बताया।
  ''वह कैसे ?'' - मित्र ने प्रश्न किया।
  ''यार, हम लड़ते हैं और पड़ोसियों का मनोरंजन होता है।'' - आदमी ने कहा। 
•  एक दफ़ा किसी इंटरव्यू मे मिसेज़ संता से पूछा गया -- "आप की निगाह मे पति क्या है"?
  "पति, पति तो एकदम उल्लू होता है" , मिसेज़ संता का निर्भीक उत्तर था .
  "कैसे-कैसे"? एक साथ कई सवाल उठे .
  "बात बिल्कुल सीधी सी है, पति को बीबी के सारे गुण रात के अंधेरे मे ही जो दिखाई देते हैं". मिसेज़ संता का बोल्ड जवाब था.
• एक दिन राजू के पापा एक रोबोट लेकर आए। वह रोबोट झूठ पकड़ सकता था और झूठ बोलने वाले को गाल पर खींचकर चांटा मार देता था।
  आज राजू स्कूल से घर देर से आया था ...... पापा ने पूछा, ''घर लौटने में देर क्यों हो गई ?''
  ''आज हमारी एक्स्ट्रा क्लासेस थी'' - राजू ने जवाब दिया।
  रोबोट अचानक अपनी जगह से उछला और राजू के गाल पर एक जोरदार चांटा मार दिया।
  पापा हंसकर बोले, ''ये रोबोट हर झूठ को पकड़ सकता है। अब सच क्या है यह बताओ... कहां गए थे ?''
  ''फिल्म देखने'' - राजू ने गाल को सहलाते हुए जवाब दिया।
  ''कौनसी फिल्म'' - पापा ने कड़ककर पूछा ।
  ''जय हनुमान''
  चटाक!..... अभी राजू की बात पूरी भी नहीं हुई थी कि उसके गाल पर रोबोट ने एक जोर का चांटा मारा।
  ''कौनसी फिल्म'' - पापा ने फिर पूछा ।
  ''कातिल जवानी''
  पापा गुस्से में बोले, ''शर्म आनी चाहिए तुम्हें। जब मैं तुम्हारे जितना था तब ऐसी हरकत नहीं किया करता था।''
  चटाक!..... रोबोट ने एक चांटा मारा .... इस बार पापा के गाल पर।
  यह सुनते ही मम्मी किचन में से आते हुए बोलीं, ''आखिर तुम्हारा ही तो बेटा है न! झूठ तो बोलेगा ही''
  अब मम्मी की बारी थी ........ चटाक !  
• एक नव-युगल ट्रेन से यात्रा कर रहा था. वे ऊपर की बर्थ पर थे.
  दुल्हन बार-बार मियाँ से कह रही थी---"सच, मुझे तो यक़ीन ही नही होता, आख़िर हम एक हो ही गये" .
  जब दुल्हन ने यही बात कई बार दोहराई तो एक यात्री से रहा नही गया. चिढ़कर दूल्हे से बोला ---"भाई-साहब, हम कुछ देर के लिए अपनी आँखे बंद कर लेते हैं, आप इन्हे यक़ीन दिला ही दो, आख़िर फिर हमें सोना भी है".
• नर्सरी क्लास में छोटे बच्चों से पूछा गया - ''भगवान कहां है ?''
  एक बच्चे ने हाथ उठाया, बोला - ''मुझे पता है !''
  टीचर ने कहा - ''अच्छा बताओ'' ।
  बच्चे ने बताया - ''हमारे बाथरूम में'' ।  
  एक पल के लिए टीचर चुप! फिर संभलते हुए बोली, ''तुम्हें कैसे पता ?''
  बच्चा बोला - ''रोज सुबह जब पापा उठते हैं, बाथरूम का दरवाजा पीटते हुए कहते हैं - ''हे भगवान ! तुम अब तक अन्दर ही हो !'' 
• एक ग्रामीण पिता-पुत्र अपने नजदीकी शहर में शॉपिंग मॉल देखने गये। यूं तो वहां की हर चीज देखकर वे चकित थे परन्तु एक जगह एक खुलने और बन्द होने वाली दीवाल (लिफ्ट) देखकर वे विशेष रूप से प्रभावित हुये। उन्होंने ऐसी दीवाल पहले कभी नहीं देखी थी ।
  जिस समय वे पिता पुत्र आंखे फाड़ फाड़ कर  उस दीवाल को देख रहे थे उसी समय एक बूढ़ी औरत उस दीवाल के पास पहुंची और दीवाल पर लगा एक बटन दबाया। बटन दबाते ही दीवाल खुल गई और बूढ़ी औरत उस दीवाल के अन्दर चली गई । दीवाल फिर बन्द हो गई। थोड़ी देर बाद दीवाल अपने आप खुली और उसमें एक पच्चीस साल की खूबसूरत लड़की बाहर निकली।
  पिता यह सब देखकर लगभग चिल्लाते हुये पुत्र से बोला  - ''बेटा, जल्दी घर जा और अपनी मां को लेकर  आ।'' 
• इंटेलिजेंस ब्यूरो में एक उच्च पद हेतु भर्ती की प्रक्रिया चल रही थी। अंतिम तौर पर केवल तीन उम्मीदवार बचे थे जिनमें से किसी एक का चयन किया जाना था। इनमें दो पुरुष थे और एक महिला।
  फाइनल परीक्षा के रूप में कर्तव्य के प्रति उनकी निष्ठा की जांच की जानी थी। पहले आदमी को एक कमरे में ले जाकर परीक्षक ने कहा - ''हम यह सुनिश्चित करना चाहते हैं कि तुम हर हाल में हमारे निर्देशों का पालन करोगे चाहे कोई भी परिस्थिति क्यों न हो।'' फिर उसने उसके हाथ में एक बंदूक पकड़ाई और दूसरे कमरे की ओर इशारा करते हुये कहा - ''उस कमरे में तुम्हारी पत्नी बैठी है। जाओ और उसे गोली मार दो।''
  ''मैं अपनी पत्नी को किसी भी हालत में गोली नहीं मार सकता''- आदमी ने कहा।
  ''तो फिर तुम हमारे किसी काम के नहीं हो। तुम जा सकते हो।'' - परीक्षक ने कहा।
  अब दूसरे आदमी को बुलाया गया। ''हम यह सुनिश्चित करना चाहते हैं कि तुम हर हाल में हमारे निर्देशों का पालन करोगे चाहे कोई भी परिस्थिति क्यों न हो।'' कहकर परीक्षक ने उसके हाथ में एक बंदूक पकड़ाई और दूसरे कमरे की ओर इशारा करते हुये कहा - ''उस कमरे में तुम्हारी पत्नी बैठी है। जाओ और उसे गोली मार दो।'' आदमी उस कमरे में गया और पांच मिनट बाद आंखों में आंसू लिये वापस आ गया। ''मैं अपनी प्यारी पत्नी को गोली नहीं मार सका। मुझे माफ कर दीजिये। मैं इस पद के योग्य नहीं हूं।''
  अब अंतिम उम्मीदवार के रूप में केवल महिला बची थी। उन्होंने उसे भी बंदूक पकड़ाई और उसी कमरे की तरफ इशारा करते हुये कहा - ''हम यह सुनिश्चित करना चाहते हैं कि तुम हर हाल में हमारे निर्देशों का पालन करोगी चाहे कोई भी परिस्थिति क्यों न हो। उस कमरे में तुम्हारा पति बैठा है। जाओ और जाकर उसे गोली से उड़ा दो।'' महिला ने बंदूक ली और कमरे के अंदर चली गई। कमरे के अंदर घुसते ही फायरिंग की आवाजें आने लगीं । लगभग 11 राउंड फायर के बाद कमरे से चीखपुकार, उठापटक की आवाजें आनी शुरू हो गईं। यह क्रम लगभग पन्द्रह मिनटों तक चला उसके बाद खामोशी छा गई।
  लगभग पांच मिनट बाद कमरे का दरवाजा खुला और माथे से पसीना पोंछते हुये महिला बाहर आई। बोली - ''तुम लोगों ने मुझे बताया नहीं था कि बंदूक में कारतूस नकली हैं। मजबूरन मुझे उसे पीट-पीट कर मारना पड़ा।''  
• एक वृद्ध दंपति को लगने लगा कि उनकी याददा6त कमजोर हो चली है। यह सुनि6चित करने के लिये कि उन्हें कुछ नहीं हुआ है, वे डॉक्टर के पास गये।
  डॉक्टर ने बारीकी से उनका परीक्षण किया और बताया कि उन्हें कोई बीमारी नहीं है। बुढ़ापे में इस तरह के लक्षण स्वाभाविक हैं। उसने उन्हें महत्वपूर्ण कार्यों को लिखकर रखने की सलाह दी ताकि वे कोई जरूरी काम न भूलें।
  वृद्ध दंपति ने डॉक्टर का धन्यवाद किया और घर चले गये। उस रात को टीवी देखते समय पति उठकर कहीं जाने लगा तो पत्नी ने पूछा - ''कहां जा रहे हो ?'' उसने जवाब दिया - ''रसोईघर में''। ''मेरे लिये एक कप चाय लाओगे ?'' - पत्नी ने कहा। ''ठीक है, ले आऊंगा।'' ''मेरे खयाल से तुम इसे नोट कर लो नहीं तो भूल जाओगे।'' पत्नी ने कहा। ''नहीं भूलूंगा, प्रिय'' - पति ने जवाब दिया। ''ठीक है, मेरे लिये कुछ खाने को भ्आना। जैसे अालू चिप्स'' । ''ठीक है , ले आऊंगा।'' ''मुझे लगता है तुम लिख लेते तो ठीक था। कहीं भूल न जाओ।'' पत्नी ने फिर आग्रह किया। ''नहीं भूलूंगा प्रिय । मुझे तुम्हारे लिये एक कप चाय और आलू चिप्सहै । ठीक है ऌतना तो मैं याद रख ही सकता हूं। ''
  
  लगभग आधे घण्टे बाद पति महोदय एक कटोरे में आइसक्रीम और एक प्लेट में आमलेट लेकर हाजिर हुये। पत्नी यह देखते ही आग बबूला होते हुये चिल्लाई - ''तुमसे कहा था कि लिखकर ले जाओ वरना भूल जाओगे। बताओ मेरे आलू के परांठे कहां है ?''
   

Chinese wisdom

An American, a Japanese and a Chinese
went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted.
When they came upon a small lake,

they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water,

since it was fairly secluded,
.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries
while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing

an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared.



Unable to get to their clothes in time, the American and the

Japanese quickly used their hands to cover their privates.

But the Chinese covered his face while they ran for cover.



After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on.

The American and the Japanese asked the Chinese why he

covered his face rather than his private part.



The Chinese replied, "I don't know about you, but in my country,

it's the face that people recognize."