Sunday, May 2, 2010

ATTITUDE

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and ask him for a Phone Call.


Shop-owner replied Sweety this is not a STD, but you can do one call.


The store-owner observed and listened to the
conversation:


The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?


The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."


"Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.


The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was
presently cutting her lawn.


The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep
your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn
in all of North-Palm beach, Florida."


Again the woman answered in the negative.


With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver.


The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and
said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would
like to offer you a job."


The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with
the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that
lady, I was talking to!"

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.



2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.



3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.



4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.



5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.



6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.



7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.



8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.



9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.



10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.



11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.



12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.



13. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Stupid stand up

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, little Santa Singh stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Santa?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

STupid hunters

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says, "OK, now what?"