Secret of life

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park when a reporter approached them.

"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.

The three old men agreed.

The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."

"Wow, that's really remarkable!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?" he asked the first old man.

"I'm 93," said the man.

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."

"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.
"I'm 91," said the old man.

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.

"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."

"Wow!" said the reporter. "And how old are you?"

"29," replied the man.

Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.



"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."



"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."



"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.



"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

Funny Greeting Cards - Outside n Inside

1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've
come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.


2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.


3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..


4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need
it again.


5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!


6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.


7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?


8. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.


9. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but
wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking


10. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.


11. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!


12. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.


13. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me


14. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.


15. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.


16. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.


17. We have been friends for a very long time...
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

The cigar secret

A fire chief came home early one day and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. He becomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?"

A voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"

Secret Crush

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.

"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat A*s, Grey-haired, Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach???"

Ooh men

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving
down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of
the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next
corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

What If men would only listen!!

Who said so...

 An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up .


The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"


I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."



"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"


" Who said my Dad's dead?"


The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"



"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the top*ess beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."


"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"


" Who said my grandpa's dead?"


Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"


"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"


"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."


At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"


" Who said he wanted to?"