1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question -Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.
----------- --------- --------- --------- -----
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??
Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..
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9. Stupid Question from friend:- Did you see that? (when talking about an amazing scene).
Answer:- No, I paid $12 to stare at the damn floor!
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10. At the bus waiting:
Stupid Question:- Did the bus arrive?
Answer:- If the bus arrived, i wouldn't be here waiting now would I?!
Showing posts with label witty answers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label witty answers. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Witty answers 2
Are you chewing gum?
"No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed my mind."
"Thank heavens! Does it work better now?"
"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have
"No, I'm John Smith."
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."
"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling."
"Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"May I hold your hand?"
"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"
"Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed my mind."
"Thank heavens! Does it work better now?"
"Would you like your coffee black?"
"What other colors do you have
Witty answers
Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
***********
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."
***********
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
***********
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
***********
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
***********
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.
***********
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
***********
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
***********
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
***********
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
***********
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."
***********
Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
***********
An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.
***********
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.
***********
1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.
***********
Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.
***********
Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
***********
Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."
***********
Customer waitor jokes
Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
***********
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
***********
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
***********
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
***********
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.
***********
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
***********
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
***********
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
***********
Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?
***********
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
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