Saturday, February 20, 2010

Smart one-liners

* Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
* There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know
* When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
* If at first you don't succeed, redefine success
* Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case
* If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?
* For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.
* Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
* I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
* As I said before, I never repeat myself
* Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache
* If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Friday, February 19, 2010

Wife's Lover : Hilarious Jokes

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.Student, "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"Professor, "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"Student, "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam."Professor, "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.He immediately answers, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."
Wife's Lover : Hilarious Jokes

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Roller coaster

What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed."Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.""And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor."Yes.""What did it say?""Don't stand up in the car!"

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

MADE IN INDIA

There was a Japanese who went to India for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hired a cab and told the driver to drive to the Airport.During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi.

Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!!!

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi and again the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars.

Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was 800 rupees!!!!

The Japanese exclaimed, "What?? So expensive!"

There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, Made in India VERY VERY FAST !!!!!

An Americanized look at India

Here are a few things that could happen:

1. Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement.
2. J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to 'aliens'. Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are 'stealing' away the local jobs.
3. Sports: Bombay 'Bombers' beat Madras 'Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next season, as the Bihar 'Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for them.
4. Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time - runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions Bangladesh. (as usual, India is nowhere in the picture!)
5. Fringe: Woman sues fast food restaurant chain TFC (Tandoori Fried Chicken) because the 'Chai' served to her was so hot that she burnt her lips.
6. Techno: Shiv Nadar says his company's 'Khidkiyan 98' operating system could become the de facto standard, beating Microsoft's Windows operating system, since it is a copy of a more advanced Macintosh OS.
7. India deports 250 'American - Indian' illegal aliens after they are found working in a saree manufacturing sweat shop in Dharavi.
8. Hurricane "Bawandar" expected to lash the Andhra coast around 1300 hrs IDT. Watch minute by minute progress live on Doordarshan.
9. Amidst much controversy the Desi Gay Activists open a gay bar in calcutta called "Bar-Bar"
10. San Francisco: Protesters demanded the shut down of fast food chain 'Udupi' which was becoming immensely popular with the younger generation. "Its not just the food" says Martha Smith, a housewife, "its the lifestyle that our children adopt with it - wearing lungis, listening to Karnatic music, lighting lamps and firecrackers on Halloween!".

Whacky driving

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic.

The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street, but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed, "Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax, lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

Driving style in india

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.

- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...

- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror

- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat

- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in the car

- Welcome to India!!

India Pakistan war

During the Cold War, if USA launched a nuke-loaded missile, Soviet satellites would inform the Soviet army in 3 seconds and in less than 5 seconds Soviet counter-missiles would be on their way.
This was their scenario.................

But if there is a nuclear war between India and Pakistan.
The Pakistan army decides to launch a nuke-missile towards India.

They don't need any permission from their government, and promptly order the countdowns.
Indian technology is highly advanced.
In less than 8 seconds, Indian army detects the Pak Countdown and decides to launch a missile in retribution.

But they need permission from the Government of India.
They submit their request to the Indian President. The President forwards it to the Cabinet.


The Prime Minister calls an emergency Lok Sabha session. The LS meets,but due to several walkouts and severe protests by the opposition,it gets adjourned and adjourned indefinitely.

The President asks for a quick decision.
In the mean time,the Pak missile failed to take off due to technical failure. Their attempts for a relaunch are still on.

Just then the Indian ruling party is reduced to a minority because a party that was giving outside support withdraws it.
The President asks the PM to prove his majority within a week. As the ruling party fails to win the confidence vote,a caretaker government is installed.
The caretaker PM decides to permit the armed forces to launch a nuclear missile.
But the Election Commission says that a caretaker government can not take such a decision because elections are at hand.
A Public Interest Litigation is filed in the Supreme Court alleging misuse of power by the Election Commission.
The Supreme Court comes to the rescue of the PM,and says the acting PM is authorized to take this decision in view of the emergency facing the nation.

Just then one of the Pak missiles successfully took off, but it fell 367miles away from the target, on its own government building at 11.00AM.
Fortunately there were no casualties as no employee had reached the office that
early.
In any case, the nuclear core of the missile had detached somewhere in flight.
The Pakistan army is now trying to get better technologies from China
and USA.

The Indian Government, taking no chances, decides to launch a nuclear missile of its own, after convening an all-party meeting.
This time all the parties agree.
Its 3 months since the army had sought permission. But as preparations begin, "pro-humanity", "anti-nuclear" activists come out against the Government's decision.
Human chains are formed and Rasta rokos organised.In California and Washington endless e-mails are sent to Indians condemning the government and mentioning "Please forward it to as many Indians as possible".

On the Pakistan side, the missiles kept malfunctioning. Some missiles deviate
from target due to technical failures or high-speed wind blowing over
Rajasthan.Many of them land in the Indian Ocean killing some fishes.
A missile (smuggled from USA) is pressed into service.
Since the Pakistan army is unable to understand its software, it hits its original destination: Russia.

Russia successfully intercepts the missile and in retaliation launches a nuclear missile towards Islamabad. The missile hits the target and creates havoc.

Pakistan cries for help. India expresses deep regrets for what has happened and sends in a million dollars worth of Parle-G biscuits.
Thus India never gets to launch the missile.
Pakistan never gets it right.And we live happily ever after

Driving in india

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer.

Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows: Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is "both". Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the generally intended direction.

Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself except for a belief in reincarnation; the other drivers are not in any better position. Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back.

Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts),or just mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar. Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi): The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur, and are licensed to irritate.

Mopeds: The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes: Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type. Least I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left untarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience for those with the mental make up of Genghis Khan. In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.

Air India

Surinder's uncle was booked into an SIA flight to Bombay. But as this was his first time in an airplane, he made a few preparations that were out of place. When the stewardess came around to take orders for the in-flight meal, the uncle declared loudly, "I have brought my own lunch. Make sure you don't charge me for food and drinks!"

So, as everybody was given their in-flight meal, the uncle began spreading out his own home-cooked meal. The man sitting next to him was an American history researcher, who was curious about the food. "Excuse me, what is that drink?" he asked.

The uncle picked up the yogurt-based lassi drink and said, "Milk of India!"

The the uncle took out several pieces of chapattis and started feasting. "And what is that dish?" asked the curious American.

"Wheat of India!" replied the uncle proudly.

Finally, the uncle took out some desserts. He offered some to the American.

"What is it?" asked the American.

"Sweet of India!" replied the old man.

After the meal, everyone was settling down when there was a loud "Pooooooooot!" from the uncle.

"What was that?" asked the American in disgust.

The old man replied coolly, "That's Air India!"

Saturday, February 6, 2010

a loyal wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before
he died, he said to his wife,....

"When I die, I want you to take all my Money and put it in the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
.....And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that
when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
....

Well,

he died. He was stretched out in the casket,his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said,.......

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her;

she came over with the box and put it in the casket. ..

Then the undertakers locked the casket down,and they rolled it away....
So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there
with your husband."

The loyal wife replied,...
"Listen, I'm an honest loyal wife, I can't go back on my word. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him." .....

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"....

"I sure did," said the wife.
"I got it all together, put it into my account and wrotehim a check.
If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Some equations

SSC + HSC + BTech + MBA = UNEMPLOYMENT

An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

One Chinese gymnast = India's Gold Medal tally since 1896

Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

Special Effects in Shampoo ads = Special effects in Jurassic park.

4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = a 4 minute song in
Hindi movie.

Ajay Devgan + cosmetic surgery + acting ability + personality + own
production company = Kajol..

Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favorite serials.

Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan - Talent = Abhishek Bachchan

Any actor + Any actress + many movies = David Dhawan

1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

1 person + straight hair + un-straight walk = Sanjay Dutt

1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

One engagement + Two weddings + Three wedding songs + Four hundred Relatives
+ A house bigger than Buckingham Palace = One Sooraj Barjataya Film

Reading mails all the time + no replies = Silence of the Lamb!

Software Engineer, Qualified Employee+ No Work = Forwards

The most innovative theorem

Theorem 1. A sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.
Proof: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. Therefore, a sheet of writing paper is a lazy dog.

Theorem 2. A peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.
Proof: A peanut butter sandwich is better than nothing. But nothing is better than eternal happiness. Therefore, a peanut butter sandwich is better than eternal happiness.

Theorem 3. A crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Proof: A crocodile is long on the top and the bottom, but it is green only on the top; consequently, a crocodile is longer than it is green. A crocodile is green along both its length and width, but it is wide only along its width; consequently, a crocodile is greener than it is wide. Therefore, a crocodile is longer than it is wide. Q.E.D.

Theorem 4. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
Proof : Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of legs.

Theorem 5. Napoleon was a poor general.
Proof: Most men have an even number of arias. Napoleon was warned that Wellington would meet him at Waterloo. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. But four arms is certainly an odd number of arms for a man. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Napoleon had an infinite number of arms in his battle against Wellington. Since Napoleon still lost the battle, he must have been a very poor general indeed.

Theorem 6. Death comes to no man.
Proof. As is well known and celebrated in legend and song, when we approach death, our whole life flashes in front of us. This short review—if it is to be complete—must also include the moment we approached death and the flashback of our life. But this second flash must by the necessity of completeness include another flash of life. And that flashback must include still another and another, etc., etc. Hence, although we may approach death, all eternity is not enough time for us to reach it.

Theorem 7. All governments are unjust.
Proof: To establish the truth of this proposition we need only show it true for an arbitrary government. But by definition, a government that is arbitrary is unjust.

Theorem 8. Christmas = Halloween = Thanksgiving (at least for assembly language programmers).
Proof: By definition, Christmas = Dec. 25; Halloween = Aug. 31; Thanksgiving = Nov. 27, sometimes. Again by definition,
Dec 25 is 25 base 10 or (2 x 10) + (5 x 1) = 25.
Oct 31 is 31 base 8 or (3 x 8) + (1 x 1) = 25.
Nov 27 is 27 base 9 or (2 x 9) + (7 x 1) = 25

Never Lie to your Wife

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on theback of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

A Mime in the Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.


So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.


He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.


Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.


The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.


The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

2 persons and donkey

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ? You Can't Please Everyone

Thursday, February 4, 2010

PJ (Hindi) - questions

- In a pond there are 10 fish, one of them dies, and the water level of
the pond increases. How?

A - The other 9 fish are crying.................

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once 5 CHIPKALIs (house lizards) : Phulwa, RaamPyaari,
RaamDulari,RaamPuri and RaamChuri were crawling on the wall when
all of a sudden, Phulwa started to sing a song. The moment Phulwa
stopped singing the song, RaamPyaari,RaamDulari, RaamPuri and RaamChuri
fell down from the wall !!!... WHY ???

coz, they all started clapping !!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

What wud u call a Gal who never laughs....?
- ...and the Answer
is..........

- HASINA !

Whatz a PJ ?
Obviously "a poor joke"

Whatz a (P + i J)?

- A "complex poor joke"

Why don't people laugh on a "complex poor joke" ?

- Bcoz the joke part of it is imaginary.

------------------

A railway station beggar meets another beggar.
A software engineer meets another software engineer.
Both of them ask the same question to each other.
What is the question?

"So, which platform are you working on?"

*****************************-*************************
Question: Two hairs on a bald man's head fall in love with each
other and want to get married, but cannot.
Why?

Ans: Because under Indian laws, "baal vivaah" is illegal.

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding
fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they
asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well,
when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"

Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell.

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?'

He told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.'

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.

He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, 'What do they do here?' He told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.'

'But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?'

'Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!

Love to be six

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear -everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake,
and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it
like being six again?"

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."

My One and Only Love

Vicky, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a jeweller's shop in Connaught Place, Delhi.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Vicky thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Vicky retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

The Meaning of Love

Since a very long time ago, people have searched for the meaning of love. But even the great philosophers, with their profound definitions, could not fully touch its true essence. In a survey of 4-8 year olds, kids share their views on love. But what do little kids know about love? Read on and be surprised that despite their young and innocent minds, kids already have a simple but deep grasp of that four-letter word.

"Love is that first feeling you feel before all the bad stuff gets in the way."

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."

"When someone loves you, the way she says your name is different. You know that your name is safe in her mouth."

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs."

"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at him because you know it would hurt his feelings."

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired."

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss but they look happy and sometimes they dance in the kitchen while kissing."

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen."

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate."

"Love is hugging. Love is kissing. Love is saying no."

"When you tell someone something bad about yourself and you're scared she won't love you anymore. But then you get surprised because not only does she still love you, she loves you even more."

"There are 2 kinds of love. Our love. God's love. But God makes both kinds of them."

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they've know each other so well."

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."

"Love is-if you hold hands and sit beside each other in the cafeteria. That means you're in love. Otherwise, you can sit across from each other and be okay."

"My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."

"Don't feel so bad if you don't have a boyfriend. There's lots of stuff you can do without one."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."

"If you want somebody to love you, then just be yourself. Some people try to act like somebody else, somebody the boy likes better. I think the boy isn't being very good if he does this to you and you should just find a nicer boy."

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day"

"When you're born and see your mommy for the first time.

"Love is what makes people hide in the dark corners of movie theaters."

"Love goes on even when you stop breathing and you pick up where you left off when you reach heaven."

"My enemies taught me how to love."

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."

"You have to fall in love before you get married. Then when you're married, you just sit around and read books together."

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her."

"Love cards like Valentine's cards say stuff on them that we'd like to say ourselves, but we wouldn't be caught dead saying."

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you."

"Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross."

"You never have to be lonely. There's always somebody to love, even if it's just a squirrel or a kitten."

"You can break love, but it won't die."

Sholay -the software version

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar
software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and start signaling: "Abe O thakur! Kahan hai wo
loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya ".



Thakur [with anger]: "Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur
Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya
hai."



Kaalia: "Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire
kiye
hain kya?"



Thakur: "Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal
raha
hai."



Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water
tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.



Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: "Ha ha... thakur ne freshers ko liya
hai
ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bh! i nahin aate."



Veeru shouts: "Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain,
Kuch
bhi kar sakte hain."



Jay hits some commands on his keyboard, then says: "jaao kaalia, Gabbar
se
kahna ki uska server down ho gaya ."



AT GABBAR'S DEN..



Gabbar: "Kitne virus thhye?"



Kaalia: "Do sarkaar."



Gabbar: "Wo do! Aur tum teen anitvirus . Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake?
Kya
soch key aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? incentive dega , Salary
badayega?



Iski saza milegi... barobar milegi. (gabbar shouts ) "Sambaa laptop la
re".

"Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?"



Sambaa: "Chhey sarkaar."



Gabbar: "Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi
hai.[logout -
logout - logout]. Haan ab theek hai... ab tera kya hoga Kaalia?"



Kaalia: "Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha."





Gabbar: "To ab testing kar!"............ ....????? ?

Birth rate

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

Train birth

After making a trip of South India, Guju Bhai, his wife and his son were returning to Gujurat in Tamilnadu Express.

Guju Bhai was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle
berth and his son the top most berth in the train. When the train stopped at one
of the stations on the way back the son requested Guju Bhai
to bring him a cup of Ice cream to which Guju Bhai readily agreed. When
Guju Bhai and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't
understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Outraged, Guju Bhai called the TT and asked him to help. TT
requested
that he could not understand Hindi/Gujurati so it would be
better if

Guju Bhai explained the whole situation to him in English.

Buju Bhai explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving Birth to my child.

Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is different
hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to
spend his eternity.

He goes to American hell and asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour.
Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the
American devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He
checks out the Australian hell as well as the Russian hell and many
more. He discovers that they are all similar to the American hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line
of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"

He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour,
then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Indian
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so
many people waiting to get in?" asked the man.

"Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does
not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is
comfortable to sleep on. And the Indian devil used to be a civil
servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for
private business."

Child Birth

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Why we love children

1) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
"Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"
"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.
"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.Is that right?"
"Yes, that's right," I told her.
"Well, then, "she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, " What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs .
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8 ) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?"
" You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. "

9) DEATH (I liked this one - Lorraine)
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes."

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother . "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) NUDITY
A lady was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark n*ked!
As she was reeling from the shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

Sardarji Kidnapping a Child

Sardarji Kidnapping a Child


A Sardar Ji was Living hand to Mouth.
In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

Sardarji then wrote a note saying: "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground".

Signed: "A Sardarji".

Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji.

Praying child

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Sardarji 2

  • Sardarji got the 4th child. He fills data in the birth certificate "Mother: Sikh. Father: Sikh. Kid: Chinese."

    "How come you write "Chinese" when both parents are Sikh?"

    "Aah, Sardarji read a newspaper, it says that every 4th person born on the Earth now is a Chinese."

Room In a Hell

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads

SOFTWARE daddy

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad,

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies,

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a
cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to

upload, we discovered that neither

one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete
button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message
saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized
program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
and said:

You've Got Male'!"

SOFTWARE HUSBAND

Here is conversation between the software engineer husbands and his wife..........................

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card,i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - i will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

railroad engineer:

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

a software engineer

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

An engineer in hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Devil up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Devil replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, lets see what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake "he should never have gone down there, send him up here."

Devil says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Devil laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right and just where are you going to get a lawyer, when all of them are here".

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Bus driver

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.

John; "What was that?"

Driver; "It was a cat"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"

John; "Oh, fair enough"

A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.

John; "What was that!!?"

Driver; "It was a dog"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"

John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"

The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.

John; "What is it this time?"

Driver; "I hit an old lady"

John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?

Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."

John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."

The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver: "If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"

The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"

Jo ho gaya

HELLO..

Jo.....
Ho.... Gaya.....
Wo.... Ho.... Gaya.....
Jo.....
Hona.... Hoga....
Wo.... Hoga....
Aur .....Jo
Nahi... Hona... Hai
Wo.... Nahi.... Hoga....
Kyun....kay. .. Jo...
Hona.... Hai...
Wo... To...
Hoga... Hi.... Hoga....
Ab... Dekhna.... Hai....
Ke.... Kya....
Hoga.....?.. .
Aur....
Kya....Nahi. ...
Hoga....
Hone.... Ko.... To...
Kuch..... Bhi.....
Hoga....
Yahi.... Sochna.... Hai....
Ke... Kiya...
Hoga......?
Aur..... Kya...Nahi.. .. Hoga....
Agar...
Kuch..... Hoga.... To.....
Theek... Hoga....
Aur....
Nahi.... Hoga....
To.... Bhi...
Theek.... Hoga....
Theek... Hoga... To....
Kis... tarah.. Se....
Hoga....
Aur........agar. ..
Theek....Nahi. .. Hoga...
To.... Kuch..
Kaisay... Theek.... Hoga.....?.. .
Ab.... Aap.... Batao.... Ke...
Aage...
Kiya... Hoga?..
kisi.. ...aur...... ko.. aap....bhi.. bhejo,
acchha....
time .......pass hoga

Truck se dar

Banta: Truck dekhkar tum kaampte kyon ho?

Santa: Ek truck driver meri biwi lekar bhaag gaya tha, har baar lagta hai jaise usko vapas karne aya hai.

Taxi driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:"Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!".

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the
last 25 years!

Top ten reasons to date an engineer

10. The World Does Revolve Around Us ... We Pick the Coordinate System

9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons on Your Calculator Do


8. Know How to Handle "Stress" and "Strain" in Relationships


7. Parents Will Approve


6. Help with Your Math Homework


5. Can Calculate Head Pressure


4. Looks Good on a Resume


3. Free Body Diagrams


2. High Starting Salary


1. Lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars

Driver

This is when Amitabh Bachan got fit after his long illness.....




One fine morning he told his drvier "Arre bhai aaj Gaadi hum




Chalayenge..".




Driver, "Par Saab aapki tabyat?.."




Amitabh "Aree meri tabyat thik ho gayi he, I am fit and fine...kya dance




Karke dikhau, dialogue, fighting kare dikhau...




....Hain"




Ok then he starts driving the car very fast.... Zoooooooooom




Breaks one red signal...... ...




Breaks second red signal...... ....




Breaks on more red signal...... .....




...




...




...




...




...




...




Then a traffic hawaldar stops the car, tells the car to be sided to the




Road..




Tells the driver to come out... "Chalo liscence dikhao, puc, gaadi ke




Kagjaaat..."




Sees amitabh "are Amitabh Bachhan?!!!" he is verysuprised to see him....




.....




Then he quickly on wireless calls his senior officers....




"Sir, aap jaldi yaha aye naake par..."




Sir"KYun kya hua??"




Havaldar:"Sir ek gaadi NE signal toda he aur Maine us gaadi ko side me




Rakha he"




Sir: "To phir?"




Hawaldar:"SIr, Us gaadi ka maalik bahut bada aadmi he sir .... Mein uska




Challan nahi phaad sakta aap khud yaha aiye .."




...




...




...




...




...




...
...




...




...




...




...




Sir"KON MAALIK HE US GAADI KA??"




HAWALDAR : "WOH TO PATA NAHI SIR .... PAR USNE NE ... HE NA .. SIR ... AMITABH




BACHHAN




KO DRIVER RAKHA HE....".

Driver mar gaya

Ek baar ek Totaa (Bole to Parrot ) Ud Raha tha full speed par ....

Uske Saamne full speed me ek Ferrari AA rahi thi ...

Dono ki takkar hui ...

Totaa Behosh ...

Raste me Ek Beggar tha

Usne Tote ko uthaya aur Ghar Le gaya ...

Usko Marham lagaya ..

Aur Pinjare me rakh diya ...

Jab Tote ko hosh aaya ...


Usne apne aap ko Pinjare me dekha ...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

..

....


Bola ...
.
.
.
.
.
.


"AAILA ... JAIL .... Who Ferrari ka Driver mar gaya kya ??

How children think Of Their Dad In Different ages??

At 4 Years
My daddy is great.


At 6 Years
My daddy knows everybody.


At 10 Years
My daddy is good but is short tempered


At 12 Years
My daddy was very nice to me when I was young.


At 14 Years
My daddy is getting fastidious.


At 16 Years
My daddy is not in line with the current times.


At 18 Years
My daddy is becoming increasingly cranky.


At 20 Years
Oh! It's becoming difficult to tolerate daddy. Wonder how Mom puts up with him.


At 25 Years
Daddy is objecting to everything.


At 30 Years
It's becoming difficult to manage my son. I was so scared of my father when I was young.


At 40 Years
Daddy brought me up with so much discipline. Even I should do the same.


At 45 Years
I am baffled as to how my daddy brought us up.


At 50 Years
My daddy faced so many hardships to bring us up. I am unable to manage a single son.


At 55 Years
My daddy was so far sighted and planned so many things for us. He is one of his kind and unique.


At 60 Years
My daddy is great.

Thus, it took 56 Years to complete the cycle and come back to the 1st stage!

Then what

American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman
docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Then the Mexican Fisherman says:

THEN WAT AM I DOING NOW?

Men are Like

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can
walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Romantic 1st lines...and deadly 2nd ones

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
शाम से मैं सोच रहा हूँ
की मेरी हंसी और ख़ुशी कीचाबी कहाँ गयी

प्यार की जरूरत सबको होती है
पर हर किसी को प्यार लेना-देना नहीं आता

Long live Rajnikant - Newton commited suicide

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Once, Newton came to India and watched a few tamil movies that had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logic and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done.

In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extent that he lost his mind. Here are a few scenes

---------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Rajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured! Long Live
Rajanikanth!

--------------------------------------------- ------------------------

2) In another movie, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters. Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet and a knife.

What does he do?

He throws the knife at the middle gangster? & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces, which kills both the gangsters on each side of the middle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah? not even in your remotest imagination.

He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... the gangster dies...

-------------------------------------------- -------------------------

This was too much for our Newton to take! He was completely shaken and decided to go back. But he happened to see another movie for one last time, and thought that at least one movie would follow his theory of physics.

The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in the world hasn't changed. Oops, not so fast!


Finally it is climax time

Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanth can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use.

Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because it's the climax.

(Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible?)

Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from his pockets. He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached above the height of the wall, he uses the second gun and shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air. The first gun fires off and the villain is dead.

Laws of newton in romantic mood

Universal law of Love:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money."


First law of Love:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy."


Second law of Love:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance."


Third law of Love:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."

Dilbert one liners

1. I say no to alcohol,
It just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way
You're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..

7. Born free,
Taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory,
Some just don't have film..

9. Life is unsure;
Always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile,
It makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground,
You'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses,
They are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer...
What I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech,
Why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind,
Are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush,
Leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them,
Confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you.
It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes,
So, I made your horn louder!

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.

24. The cigarette does the smoking,
You are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week.

26. Whenever I find the key to success,
Someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human,
To forgive is not a company policy.

28. The road to success....
Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems,
But, if you think again, neither does milk.

30. In order to get a loan,
You first need to prove that you don't need it.

And my favourite ...

31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.

Some funny points

1
Long back,
a person who sacrificed his sleep,
forgot his family,
forgot his food,
forgot laughter were called
"Saints"

But now they are called..

"IT professionals"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- ---


2


Employee: Boss, Now i have got married..! Please increase my salary..!

BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- ---


3


At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD,

Later on somehow the alphabets got reversed..!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- ---


4


An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt:

" If you are able to see this, Please tell me that my galfriend has fallen off"


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- ---


5


Someone has rightly said, "A fool can ask More questions that a wise man cannot answer"

No Wonder why so many of us speechless when lecturers ask question..!


------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ------
------------ --------- ---


6


A Banner cum Sign Board In front of an IT company..

Drive Slowly, Dont kill our Employee...

..... Leave them to us

Stupid husband

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get
married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Proba bly, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to
do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"


HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."



WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "sh*t.

How to fool a policeman

An old lady was pulled over by a policeman for over-speeding. The police man approached the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?"
He said, "Madame, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
She responded, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
"I lost it four times for drunk driving."
The policeman was shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer said, "Stole it?"
She said, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer got worried. "You what!?"
"He's in the trunk if you want to see."
The officer looked at her and slowly backed away to his car and called for back up. Within minutes, five police cars showed up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approached the car, clasping his half drawn gun.....
The senior officer asked "Madame, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The lady stepped out and said, "Is there a problem, officer?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responded, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"
She opened the trunk, revealing nothing.
The officer said, "Is this your car Madame?"
She replied, "Yes," and handed over the registration papers to him.
The officer, understandably, was quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The lady digged in his purse revealing a license-card and handed it to the officer. The officer examined the licence. He looked quite puzzled.
"Thank you Madame.......one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The lady replied, "I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!"

Brave surdaar

Once a boy fell in the hoogly river and nobody was there to save him.

A sardarji jumped in the river, but failed.

At last an american did the saving.

The news reporter asked him "what would you like to tell the press bout your bravery."

The saver said "show me that rascal who pushed me into the river."

Stupid banks

have you ever dealt with folks like this??? [Checked by NAI at US SMTP Gateway]



Stupid Banks
Recent death in the family... she died this past January. Citibank credit card billed her for Feb., and March. ( Annual service charge, and then late fees and interest on annual charge...the balance had been $0.00... now was like $60.00)

Me: 'Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
Citi: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Me: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections...'
Citi: 'Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been.'
Me: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citi: 'Either report it to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!'
Me: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citi: '...excuse me .....'
Me: 'Did you just get what I was telling you.... the part about her being dead?'
Citi: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!' (Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: ''Calling to tell you, she died Jan.'
CitiS: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Me: 'You mean from her estate?'
CitiS: '... .'
CitiS: 'Are you her lawyer?'
Me: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' ( Lawyer info given... )
CitiS: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Me: 'Sure.' ( Number is given )
( After they get the fax. )
CitiS: 'Our system just isn't setup for death...'
Me: 'Oh...'
CitiS: 'I don't know what more I can do to help...'
Me: 'Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her...I suppose...don't really think she will care....'
CitiS: 'Well...the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Me: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
CitiS: 'That might help.' Me: ( Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy 129 and plot number given. )
CitiS: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?'!!

Some stupid question answers 3

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/ friends.. .

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

Stupid Question -Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.. ...why don't you try again.

----------- --------- --------- --------- -----

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

Stupid Question:-Why, why him, of all people.

Answer:-Why? Would it rather have been you?

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Stupid Question:-Is ! the "Paneer butter Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:-Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not.You thought I was sleeping.... you dumb witted moron.

------------ --------- --------- --------- -----

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?

Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding.... ..

----------------------------------------------------

9. Stupid Question from friend:- Did you see that? (when talking about an amazing scene).
Answer:- No, I paid $12 to stare at the damn floor!

-------------------------------------------------------
10. At the bus waiting:

 Stupid Question:- Did the bus arrive?
Answer:- If the bus arrived, i wouldn't be here waiting now would I?!

Witty answers 2

Are you chewing gum?

"No, I'm John Smith."



"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."

"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"



"What are you going to be when you graduate?"

"An old man"



"I spent three years in college taking medicine."

"Are you well now?"



"Do you say a prayer before you eat?"

"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."


"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."


"Who wants to eat friends?"



"We are having mother for dinner, darling."

"Make sure she's well done."



"I want some rat poison."

"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"



"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."

"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."



"May I hold your hand?"

"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."



"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"

"No, sir, only when it rains."



"When will you straighten out the house, dear?"

"Why? Is it tilted?"



"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"

"No, you'll have to walk"



"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"

"But why? My wife isn't dangerous."



"I have changed my mind."

"Thank heavens! Does it work better now?"



"Would you like your coffee black?"

"What other colors do you have

Australian tourism FAQs

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come n*ked.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come n*ked.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ __

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

6 answers

Six answers given by gals wen shz proposed

1.) Nahi

2.) Mujhe waqt chahiya

3.) I hv always seen u as a friend

4.) I already hv a BF

5.) We shud concentrate on Studies.

6.) Tum abhi tak mujhe jante kaha ho ? Yeh infatuation hai..

Six answers given by boys wen hez proposed

1.) Yes..

2.) Yes..

3.) Yes..

4.) Yes..

5.) Yes..

6.) Yes..

Witty answers

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.


Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.



***********


A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."



***********


Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.



***********


An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.



***********


Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.



***********


1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.


***********


Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.



***********


Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
Field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

***********


Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,



"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."


***********